Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

NRA Says Arming 6-Year-Olds Would Have Prevented Massacre

with 13 comments

NRAFairfax, Virginia (AP) – In response to the fatal shooting of 26 people at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut, National Rifle Association Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre said that had the students been allowed to carry a weapon, the murders could have been averted.

“A gun is an easy piece of equipment to use,” said LaPierre at a news conference at NRA headquarters. “A child as young as five can be properly trained to load and aim one. I’m not saying that arming the children would have necessarily prevented all the tragic deaths, but I know the gunman would have thought twice before entering a classroom of two dozen first-graders with upwards of 140 rounds of ammunition at their disposal.”

“And that’s just if you assume each one has a six-shooter,” he continued, referring to the standard revolver. The number of potential deterrent bullets could rise as high as 360, said LaPierre, if each first-grader were provided with a weapon holding a 15-round magazine. He said the NRA would soon be offering firearms purchasing and training programs in school districts throughout the country.

Lanza, depicted as if he were encountering a roomful of first-graders armed to the teeth.

Lanza, depicted as if he were encountering a roomful of first-graders armed to the teeth.

According to the evidence the police have pieced together so far, twenty-year-old Adam Lanza forced his way into the school building and went from classroom to classroom, shooting students and faculty before taking his own life. It was as yet unclear how the weapons, which Lanza had taken from his mother after killing her earlier, came into her possession. They were a semiautomatic rifle and two semiautomatic pistols.

The shootings underscored the deep divide in the US between supporters of strict gun control and advocates of expansive Second Amendment rights. It is but the latest in a gruesome series of mass murders by gunfire over the last few years, each one rekindling the debate over what makes American society safer: more guns in the hands of more people, the fact of which might deter would-be attackers, or tougher access across the board to the acquisition of any firearms, which would make criminal shootings less likely.

The NRA has lobbied vigorously for freer access to firearms by the broadest possible section of American society. Aside from deterring crime, they contend, the preservation of Second Amendment liberties safeguards other fundamental rights that the government might, under some circumstances, attempt to deny, as if such an attempt would not be backed by firepower and tactics far that would overwhelm, to the point of ludicrousness, anything even collective US gun owners could muster.

As for statistics demonstrating that a gun owner is more likely to be killed by his own weapon than by anyone else’s, the NRA recommends expanding the pool of gun ownership even further. “We’re all about gun safety,” said NRA President David Keene. “Anyone who accidentally shoots himself probably deserves it, and anyone who does so intentionally, well, that’s one fewer loose cannon to worry about, right?” Arming elementary school children, argues Keene, would enable the youngsters to experience the responsibility at a tender age, responsibility that would bring a maturity currently in short supply.

“Kids love top play cops and robbers, or some variation thereof,” continued Keene. “Allowing them to do so with actual firearms would drive home the point that these things are not toys, and that their use requires a seriousness that can only serve them well – in school, at work, wherever.”

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Written by Thag

December 15, 2012 at 10:19 pm

13 Responses

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  1. Did he really say this?


    December 15, 2012 at 11:25 pm

  2. Trying to find the humour. I dunno if I can just yet.

    Trent Lewin

    December 15, 2012 at 11:44 pm

    • Oh, it’s a bitter, bitter laugh.


      December 15, 2012 at 11:45 pm

      • Because I don’t know what else to do once I’ve finished crying.


        December 15, 2012 at 11:45 pm

      • It is. Sort of an uncomfortable, slightly empty chortle, but still feels good to do it.

        Trent Lewin

        December 15, 2012 at 11:47 pm

  3. That is ABSURD. Has that dude ever met a 6 year old? Much less a school of them? Those poor, poor babies. It makes me weep.

    • Satire, n: the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.


      December 16, 2012 at 7:51 am

  4. Reblogged this on wtf, Cobra? and commented:
    In lieu of any original content (I just got through with finals week, give me a break) and in light of the recent events in Connecticut, and our subsequent and grave need for a bit of levity, I present a bit of satire from “Mightier Than The Pen.” Following this blog is highly recommended.

    Sean Hillyer

    December 17, 2012 at 8:21 pm

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