Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

China to Experiment with Non-Flammable Tibetans

with 6 comments

TibetBeijing, December 10  – Following dozens of highly publicized incidents in which Tibetans have immolated themselves to protest Chinese rule, authorities in Beijing are weighing the mass production of an experimental prototype of Tibetan that resists bursting into flame.

The model, unveiled at a Communist Party convention last month, promises to reduce the chagrin of local and national officials up to 85%, according to presentations conducted at the convention. Instead of dramatic, disturbing photos or videos of Tibetan monks dying in agony, the images and clips will show only the flames, but the perpetrators will emerge more or less unscathed. Beyond the obvious PR advantages, the technology will allow the authorities to arrest the would-be suicide victim and mete out appropriate punishment.

What’s more, mass production of the units could bring even more business to China, as other governments have confronted self-immolating protesters: Israel, Tunisia and Egypt have all grappled with the negative attention and fallout from such incidents in recent years, and market analysts foresee growing demand for non-flammable demonstrators.

One region slated for exponential growth is Europe, where economic stresses have strained the European Union and its currency, and the austerity measures taken by various member states have wrought havoc among citizens accustomed to generous benefits.

diamondsInitial research has also taken place into the feasibility of manufacturing large numbers of Africans uninterested in basic human rights; the diamond and subsistence farming industries have for years been at the mercy of their labor force’s desires for human dignity. And following the Arab Spring, a number of states in the Persian Gulf have expressed interest in models impervious to suggestion that authority be questioned, but all attempts to manufacture such units on any meaningful scale have produced disappointing longevity statistics, negating any economic benefits.

Since the 1950’s the United States has been the world’s leading manufacturer of the gullible, a product line with obvious economic benefits, but the rapid rise of the Chinese nouveau-riche class means that by 2030, if current trends continue, China will produce more gullible humans that the rest of the world combined. But American manufacturers have  released several new series with more powerful gullibility, including internet users who click on links in the belief that doing so will result in a cash windfall or unearned gift.

The leading market for such units is Nigeria, where the scam known as a 409 – after the section of Nigerian law covering certain types of fraud – has always been a burgeoning industry. Nigerian business groups are keeping a close eye on the new Chinese gullible products, but are loath to abandon the cash cow that is the American gullible manufacturing sector.

ABBAThe specialty human manufacturing field is not without its debacles. Several Scandinavian countries attempted to produce a non-corruptible politician, but inaccuracies in the formula resulted in such bizarre phenomena as ABBA and marketers of pretentiously named furniture. Finland and Norway abandoned their attempts to achieve incorruptibility in government, but Iceland, for example, has held out, despite mounting evidence that the pursuit of such a goal results in people who want to live in godforsaken places such as Iceland.

Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook. We promise not to claim you were engineered to do so, but that would be an ingenious, if expensive, social media marketing plan.

Written by Thag

December 10, 2012 at 11:32 pm

6 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. Reblogged this on Collectables and commented:
    Now why didn’t I think of that?

    Margy Rydzynski

    December 11, 2012 at 1:42 am

  2. Stunning. I am an African who I lived in Iceland for 5 years. It grew on me….Just saying. Strange how the ‘clean air’ can impact on ones view of the landscape.


    December 13, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    • Not to worry. It was Iceland’s turn to be insulted this week. Couldn’t really find much else to dis…


      December 13, 2012 at 8:13 pm

      • Not worried at all. Enjoying your writing, but am now a glass of red down so going to slow down on the commentry and just read. Glad to have stumbled across your blog!


        December 13, 2012 at 8:20 pm

        • “Stumbled across.” Well, I guess that’s a compliment, since “stepped in” would be more appropriate.


          December 13, 2012 at 8:21 pm

          • A little bit of good @#!%$! gets one jumping around and that is always better than sitting in the corner with clean shoes. Ok now I need to stop talking.


            December 13, 2012 at 8:47 pm

You got something to say?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s