Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Obama Announces New Conspiracy Theory Administration

with 11 comments

The FUCTUP logo.

The FUCTUP logo.

Washington, DC (AP) – President Obama announced the formation of a new government body to generate and maintain conspiracy theories, consolidating the separate efforts of different federal departments.

The Federal Unified Conspiracy Theory Utilization Program (FUCTUP) will oversee the myriad conspiracy theories that the government creates or administers. Formerly, each department was responsible for producing and spreading CTs in its arena. The Department of Transportation, for example, oversaw the disappearance of various aircraft and vessels in the Bermuda Triangle, as well as most major aspects of the 9/11 “inside job” set of CTs.

The Department of the Interior managed the Sasquatch, or Bigfoot, sightings, as well as the Obama “Birther” CTs, while the Department of Health initiated the fluoridation of water to enable government mind-control efforts.

But while each department fared reasonably well in its own territory, explained Obama, they often pursued conflicting CT projects. “The Department of Justice and the Department of Defense promulgated divergent conspiracy theories about the Kennedy assassination,” noted the President at a press conference this afternoon. “Those theories often counteracted one another’s effects, and the aims of neither department could be fully realized.”

Therefore, explained Obama, he decided to consolidate management of all CTs, and the agency in charge of that effort would be FUCTUP. “FUCTUP staff will handle the difficult tasks involved in developing, creating, disseminating and following up on all the conspiracy theories. We thank all the people in the various federal departments for giving us so many decades of superlative service.” The President particularly singled out the Department of Education for its Holocaust Denial initiatives.

The vast majority of FUCTUP personnel will be transferred to a new facility in Mystic, CT, but a handful will remain in their old offices at the various departments to act as FUCTUP liaisons to those departments. The preservation of those positions will ensure that the FUCTUP methods follow on smoothly from the existing CT maintenance efforts.

Jones. Or at least that's what we would have you believe.

Jones. Or at least that’s what we would have you believe.

The president has tapped longtime conspiracy theory expert Alex Jones to head the new program, calling him a visionary. “Alex has graciously agreed to accept the post, and I anticipate years of fruitful FUCTUP policy from him and his team. No one else really has his finger on the pulse of the conspiracy theory world as Alex does, making him the clear choice for FUCTUP leadership.”

Jones was silent on his specific plans for new conspiracy theories, pointing out that currently, simply maintaining the existing body of CTs will require the bulk of FUCTUP focus. He vowed, however, to improve American conspiracy theory cooperation with the international community.

“Any good conspiracy theory has to involve some clandestine international organization such as the Illuminati or the Elders of Zion,” he said. “Cooperative efforts with our counterparts in other parts of the world will help us stay on the cutting edge of CT generation and administration.”

“The best conspiracy theories are and will always be FUCTUP theories.”

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Written by Thag

December 4, 2012 at 3:25 pm

11 Responses

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  1. Now we’re all fuctup but no place to go. But we know who you are. And where you live.


    December 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    • But for FUCTUP reasons there’s nothing you can do to act on that information.


      December 5, 2012 at 2:37 pm

  2. So did he really get re-elected?


    December 13, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    • Not if you’re Donald Trump.


      December 13, 2012 at 8:52 pm

      • Seriously??


        December 13, 2012 at 9:02 pm

        • Trump inhabits a universe of his own making, a place that occasionally intersects with this one. When it does so, new and bizarre developments occur. And not just his hair.


          December 13, 2012 at 9:03 pm

          • I have learnt recently through personal experience that there is a whole different level of universe one or two or three (depending on your income) layers up from the average Joe – different world, different rules. But Trump sounds like he might have even moved beyond that?? Perhaps the peroxide?


            December 13, 2012 at 9:09 pm

  3. Very good. I agree.

    • Of course you agree. You’ve been programmed to agree.


      December 15, 2012 at 8:24 pm

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