Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

In Case of Involvement in Syria, France to Preemptively Surrender

with 6 comments

Note the central position of white on the flag.

Note the central position of white on the flag.

Paris (Reuters) – President François Hollande of France announced today that in anticipation of his country’s military involvement in the ongoing civil war in Syria, France signals its preemptive surrender as of now.

The capitulation represents the latest in a long French tradition of surrendering in major armed conflicts, a trend that began in 1815. The Hollande administration appears eager to cement its place firmly in France’s collective history, establishing its Gallic credentials in the most authentic way possible.

The French Senate and National Assembly were quick to endorse the President’s surrender. Both legislative houses voted overwhelmingly to approve it, and to offer the opposing side in the conflict, whoever that might turn out to be, favorable terms, including its choice of France’s remaining overseas possessions. A second proposal to offer all French women as concubines to the victors remains stuck in committee.

“This is a historic day for France, and I guess for Syria,” said Hollande to a joint session of the legislature. “Truth is, Syria is kind of a footnote here. The important thing is that France is living up to its reputation.” Applause rang through the Palais Bourbon, and spectators threw confetti to mark the end of a war à la France.

With the defeat of Napoleon at Waterloo, Belgium, in 1815, France saw the onset of a century in which they would achieve victory in several minor skirmishes and accumulate vast holdings worldwide while fighting primitive tribes, while suffering humiliating defeat at the hands of Prussia in the late nineteenth century and enduring 1.4 million casualties in the First World War. While technically the French were on the winning side in that war, the figure represents nearly one twentieth of the country’s prewar population.

Then in Word War Two, France surrendered within two weeks of the German offensive in 1940, not lasting even as long as Poland, a country whose cavalry had yet to upgrade from horses to tanks. In the 1950’s, French Indochina became Vietnam when Ho Chi Minh’s ragtag militiamen drove out the French. A guerrilla war in Algeria forced France to abandon that colony in the 1960’s; France divested itself of its last overseas colony in 1980.

“Tradition and precedent are immensely important to the French,” explained Dr. Albert Speer of Berlin University. “And there is no French tradition or precedent quite like the propensity for surrender.”

The move comes at a time when international intervention has become more than a remote possibility. France was the first major power to recognize the Syrian opposition as the legitimate representative of the Syrian people, and other Western countries have begun to follow suit. Despite persistent Russian and Chinese resistance to the intervention, the tide is turning against the Assad regime, and France saw fit to establish exactly where it stands on the issue: under a white flag.

As part of the terms of surrender, France will also agree to continue to be overrun by radical Muslim migrants from Africa.

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Written by Thag

December 2, 2012 at 11:50 pm

6 Responses

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  1. As a Canadian loosely affiliated with Quebec which historically has some indirect association with France, I take great offence to this article and herewith challenge you to a duel. Be ready at dawn. Bring biscuits.

    Trent Lewin

    December 3, 2012 at 12:32 am

    • I accept. Cow dung at twenty paces.


      December 3, 2012 at 12:33 am

      • Very well. Your fate is sealed. I name you shitface and spit to make my point. Please stand upwind of me.

        Trent Lewin

        December 3, 2012 at 12:36 am

        • But only because you said please. And now never let it be said that I do not give a crap.


          December 3, 2012 at 12:37 am

          • You’re a good man Thag. At least I’m pretty sure you’re a man.

            Trent Lewin

            December 3, 2012 at 3:48 am

            • [Checks] yup. Status updates as events warrant.


              December 3, 2012 at 7:10 am

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