Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Hitler Disappointed with Hamas Performance in Recent Conflict

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“I’d facepalm, but the German word for that is two pages long.”

Berlin, Germany (AP) – The Führer of the Third German Reich, Adolf Hitler, expressed disappointment yesterday at The Hamas movement’s attainments during Israel’s Operation Pillar of Defense, sources close to the deceased German Chancellor say.

The founder and leader of Germany’s National Socialist movement since the 1920’s, Hitler expected Hamas to kill far more Jews than its rocket attacks actually did. Israel’s Iron Dome system shot down hundreds of Hamas rockets aimed at populated areas, and one of the fatalities resulted not from a rocket but a mortar shell. In that attack, an Israeli Bedouin was also killed; Hitler found that achievement of dubious merit, as the Arabs have always been, in the Führer’s mind, important allies in ridding the world of Jews.

“It’s really quite a pathetic display,” said Martin Bormann, a deceased Hitler aide. “The Führer was able to get his followers to kill far more Jews, and with often more meager resources than Hamas has at its disposal. I mean, the Reich didn’t even develop rockets until late in the war, and we still managed to kill the bulk of Europe’s Jews.”

Fawzi Lajjiq, a Hamas spokesman, defended the organization’s performance, citing logistical and tactical factors. “The number of Jews killed was largely a matter of chance,” he explained. “We didn’t have the wherewithal to employ our vintage tactics of commando operations,” Hamas’s term for suicide bombings, “and the cowardly Israelis were too scared to actually begin a ground assault, which deprived our fighters of the opportunity to kill many Jews more directly.” He expressed the hope that with further assistance from Iran, the organization would acquire the means to spill more Jewish blood.

In fact the connection with Iran troubles Hitler, said Bormann. “[President of Iran Mahmoud] Ahmadinijad is a staunch denier of our efforts to wipe out the Jews,” he noted. “He might share our goals in that regard, but we made it our life’s work to free the world of those hook-nosed, dirty, greedy, treacherous devil-spawn, and to have him say we never did such a thing, with just a wave of the hand, is insulting.”

Hitler actually harbors the hope that emerging world powers will finish the job he started. “The local players in the Middle East are far too backward and fractured to do things properly and thoroughly,” said Rudolph Höss, also a Führer confidante. “We’re banking on such rising stars as Venezuela and China to eventually see things through.” Venezuela has close ties to the various enemies of Israel, especially Iran, but although they play an outsize role in the oil trade, their political clout is limited. China tends to look inward, but in recent years as invested heavily in building relations with African countries, many of which are hostile to Israel.

“The Reich started in 1933, and is supposed to last a thousand years,” mused Höss. “So if it takes a few more decades to clear the world of Jews, that’s not a big deal.”

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Written by Thag

November 23, 2012 at 4:09 pm

2 Responses

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  1. Now that’s edgy. And hilarious. Poor disappointed Hitler. He always gets the shaft. I have a question for you: do you ever think parody of this nature gets to some level of sameness? I always appreciate your stuff, especially ones like this, but what is the end goal? Where does this go?

    Trent Lewin

    November 23, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    • I’m not sure you need a goal, other than to highlight the absurdity of human behavior. Or continued human persistence. Or its existence in the first place.

      Thag

      November 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm


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