Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

USDA Declares Cheese Danish a Vegetable

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Washington, DC (AP) – United States Department of Agriculture Under Secretary for Food, Nutrition and Consumer Services Kevin Concannon announced today that the Department had issued new guidelines to institutions under its jurisdiction that reclassify cheese danish as a vegetable.

Under its MyPlate system, the USDA uses a plate and cup logo to illustrate that about half a person’s daily caloric intake should consist of fruits and vegetables, with the remainder consisting of grains, proteins and dairy, in descending order. The reclassification of cheese danish removes it primarily from the grain portion of the diagram into the largest section, vegetables.

“This is an important step in making our dietary recommendations effective,” said Concannon. “The effect of this measure, we believe, is that Americans can now use the calories freed up by the reclassification to consume healthier grains,” he continued. A typical cheese danish provides about 400 calories.

The Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion, a USDA agency, approved the redesignation of cheese danish after its executive director, Dr. Rajen Anand, reviewed several studies in which the scientists conducted field research at bakeries in New York, Vienna and Copenhagen. The researchers unanimously recommended the danish, though some controversy occurred when two teams disagreed over the benefits of cheese filling vs. pecan-maple. A subsequent meta-analysis confirmed the superiority of cheese filling.

CNPP Deputy Director Dr. Robert C. Post cautioned that the change may take some time to get used to. Dr. Post guided two of the agency’s divisions in formulating the new set of recommendations, the Nutrition Guidance and Analysis Division and the Nutrition Marketing and Communication Division. “Changing the way people think about nutrition and diet is part of our mission,” he proclaimed.

Under the previous Food Pyramid system that the USDA used for nineteen years, until 2011, the cheese danish was similarly considered for reclassification, but the research was not yet conclusive. Eileen Kennedy, CNPP head from 1994-1997, resisted the research efforts because celiac disease disrupted the agency’s data collection procedure, and subsequent directors preferred to emphasize the study of chocolate or confections.

The next step, said Post, is the implementation of the new guidelines in school cafeterias, health education and other programs. The food stamps program will be reconfigured to emphasize the importance of including sufficient quantities of cheese danish in one’s daily intake, in a bid to combat inner-city obesity.

“This thing is big,” said Post. “And now I think I’m going to have a cup of coffee and some vegetables.”

Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, and remember to eat your vegetables.


Written by Thag

November 13, 2012 at 7:15 pm

2 Responses

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  1. Hurray. The messiah has come! Is ice cream a vegetable too?


    November 14, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    • Pretty soon, it seems. New terminology is already taking effect. Cheese danish is the new broccoli.The Tea Party are the new Know-Nothings. And white is the new minority.


      November 14, 2012 at 2:15 pm

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