Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Climate Change Denies Republicans Exist

with 16 comments

ImageNew York, NY (AP) – Global Warming held a press conference this afternoon to affirm its conviction that Republicans are a fiction concocted by the Democratic establishment to justify draconian violations of governmental principles.

The phenomenon, which sometimes goes by the moniker Climate Change, had established a reputation among lawmakers for its fierce resistance to measures intended to prevent the rise of a jingoistic, elitist, borderline racist political entity.

“It is my firm conviction that so-called ‘Republicans’ exist only in the imaginations of political scientists hell-bent on justifying their broad vision for a welfare state that actually cares for its weakest citizens,” the phenomenon said. “Anyone with a head on his shoulders can see that American democracy is as robust as ever, and that is not likely to change for the foreseeable future,” Global Warming continued.

The effect, which scientific consensus posits as resulting from the buildup of atmospheric carbon in the atmosphere, has accelerated with the continued reliance on fossil fuels and from  human-produced threats to carbon-reducing ecosystems such as the ocean and rain forests. It reacted angrily when a reporter mentioned politicians who question whether it can be attributed to human activities. “I don’t like that term,” it said, referring to Republicans. “By using it you basically accept its existence without questioning. Where’s the evidence? What credible scientists who aren’t in the pocket of the alternative politics industry have endorsed this alleged GOP?”

The effect further accused populist politicians of fear-mongering and stifling American political industry with unnecessary limits on campaign spending and personal health care liability by invoking a bogeyman. “Where is this party everyone’s been talking about that wants to cut off immigration? That uses a crusade against voter fraud as a thinly veiled attempt to limit the number of minorities and poor people eligible to vote? That encourages candidates to spout homophobic, anti-woman rhetoric? It isn’t. You can’t prove it exists. Now stop using it to justify your policies,” the phenomenon warned.

ImageGlobal Warming also rejected the existence of politicians so out of touch with reality that they openly spout embarrassingly asinine statements. When a questioner invoked Donald Trump, the phenomenon reacted with a clipped, “Never heard of it. And if I hear one more mention of this alleged Tea Party I swear I’m going to flood Lower Manhattan.”

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Written by Thag

November 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm

16 Responses

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  1. Holy fuck. I laughed so bloody hard at this that coffee came spitting out my nose. Thanks a fucking lot! Just a fucking awesome post, if you can excuse my use of inappropriate language.

    Trent Lewin

    November 12, 2012 at 11:15 pm

    • Yeah, that photo of the alleged Trump is pretty unbelievable.


      November 12, 2012 at 11:16 pm

  2. Reblogged this on Trent Lewin and commented:
    I think this is priceless. Well said, and like any great satire, there is some absurdist truth to what lies underneath. Plus I exhaled coffee through my nostrils reading this. It kind of hurt. But I was not displeased with it. I just got more coffee.

    Trent Lewin

    November 12, 2012 at 11:21 pm

  3. This was BRILLIANT! Still laughing, albeit bitterly.

    Susan L Daniels

    November 12, 2012 at 11:25 pm

    • I’m laughing, too, but my medication is due soon.


      November 12, 2012 at 11:26 pm

  4. You know I adore you for this. I wish I had written this. 🙂


    November 12, 2012 at 11:44 pm

  5. This is seriously hysterical. I laughed through the whole thing.


    November 13, 2012 at 2:24 am

  6. It could have been said shorter: I don’t think, therefore I am not.


    November 13, 2012 at 12:24 pm

  7. LOL Coming to Earth and having to choose between Climate Change and Donald Trump on credibility alone, Zorgwhos chooses Climate Change. 😉


    November 13, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    • And I, for one, welcome our Democratic overlords.


      November 13, 2012 at 7:56 pm

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