Climate Change Denies Republicans Exist
New York, NY (AP) – Global Warming held a press conference this afternoon to affirm its conviction that Republicans are a fiction concocted by the Democratic establishment to justify draconian violations of governmental principles.
The phenomenon, which sometimes goes by the moniker Climate Change, had established a reputation among lawmakers for its fierce resistance to measures intended to prevent the rise of a jingoistic, elitist, borderline racist political entity.
“It is my firm conviction that so-called ‘Republicans’ exist only in the imaginations of political scientists hell-bent on justifying their broad vision for a welfare state that actually cares for its weakest citizens,” the phenomenon said. “Anyone with a head on his shoulders can see that American democracy is as robust as ever, and that is not likely to change for the foreseeable future,” Global Warming continued.
The effect, which scientific consensus posits as resulting from the buildup of atmospheric carbon in the atmosphere, has accelerated with the continued reliance on fossil fuels and from human-produced threats to carbon-reducing ecosystems such as the ocean and rain forests. It reacted angrily when a reporter mentioned politicians who question whether it can be attributed to human activities. “I don’t like that term,” it said, referring to Republicans. “By using it you basically accept its existence without questioning. Where’s the evidence? What credible scientists who aren’t in the pocket of the alternative politics industry have endorsed this alleged GOP?”
The effect further accused populist politicians of fear-mongering and stifling American political industry with unnecessary limits on campaign spending and personal health care liability by invoking a bogeyman. “Where is this party everyone’s been talking about that wants to cut off immigration? That uses a crusade against voter fraud as a thinly veiled attempt to limit the number of minorities and poor people eligible to vote? That encourages candidates to spout homophobic, anti-woman rhetoric? It isn’t. You can’t prove it exists. Now stop using it to justify your policies,” the phenomenon warned.
Global Warming also rejected the existence of politicians so out of touch with reality that they openly spout embarrassingly asinine statements. When a questioner invoked Donald Trump, the phenomenon reacted with a clipped, “Never heard of it. And if I hear one more mention of this alleged Tea Party I swear I’m going to flood Lower Manhattan.”
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