A Clueless Loser Blogger Reminisces about the ‘Glory’ Days
Originally posted August 4, 2011
In today’s follow-up to the smash-hit post How to Blog Like a Clueless Loser (a Firsthand Account), we present a list of tips to help you, the novice veteran experienced wannabe writer, maintain your coveted Clueless Loser Blogger™ status, the Golden Sombrero of written communication.
1. Refuse, on principle, to engage in self promotion, believing that the glory you deserve will come to you based on the merits of your writing alone. Marketing is evil! Conveniently, this attitude dovetails with your lazy approach to life in general.
2. Turn people off by finding a way to mention your blog in every casual conversation. Oh, by the way, I have a post about that.
3. Console your self with the thought that while your ineffectual blogging has contributed exactly nothing to your bottom line, at least you have amassed a body of work to which you can refer potential employers, clients, romantic partners, et al. (on this point, see tip number 2). Maybe somebody will discover your blog and offer you a lucrative book deal. Maybe some of your posts will go viral and attract the attention of a major player in online media, and you’ll land a gig with a well-paying client! Maybe you should write fiction, because you seem to be good at coming up with imaginary scenarios.
4. Keep forgetting that you have already blogged about something; when you revisit the topic, do so without realizing that not too long ago you pontificated endlessly on the same subject.
5. Try to provoke readers into commenting or sharing your post by expressing opinions or taking positions so offensive or far-out that people must react. Or at least you think they must. Remember that what you think people must do includes the unlikely showering of attention on your blog specifically, out of all of the millions of repositories of narcissistic ramblings out there. So your gauge of what people must do needs some recalibrating. Don’t despair, however, at least not right away; rile up your tiny audience with outrageous pronouncements in favor of rape, child abuse and rank ethnocentrism. Those things always make people want to hear more from you.
6. Write some fake news stories in the hope that some gullible reader will get excited or alarmed enough to spread the story like wildfire, drawing attention to your skills as a rumor monger, and maybe earning you an appearance on snopes.com. There isn’t enough fake news out there, you know; The Onion and Jon Stewart would be so much bigger if they only knew how to crank the stuff out.
7. Make some of your posts into games or contests inviting readers to showcase their own creativity or cleverness in the comments. Submit most or all of the comments yourself, but feel good about how popular those posts appear to be just based on the number of comments.
8. Choose tags only marginally relevant to your post’s content, on the off chance that some dude browsing the WordPress page for posts about Business will be moved to peruse your post about your weekend fishing trip, which reminded you of the time that your uncle Harry once got his lure caught in the spinning motor of a Kawasaki outboard engine, and since Kawasaki is the name of a company, the “Business” tag is appropriate; also that the random dude who happens to click on your post, despite having the time to browse the pathetic musings of a bunch of semiliterate bloggers, is actually important enough to maybe give you our big break. You know, because people with that sort of influence have nothing better to do than look for witty post titles to click on.
9. Make a game of your stats: see whether you can keep the number of posts and the total number of tags equal. Pretend either of those numbers has any significance whatsoever.
10. Artificially inflate your traffic by constantly referring to posts that attracted better than average traffic, because maybe you missed somebody who actually cares. In the meantime, you can annoy your handful of regular readers by shoving in their faces the stuff they already read and deemed worthy of forgetting.
Glad to be of help. Maybe next time we can discuss where to shove those dreams of what you’ll do when you’re rich and famous, and which bodily orifice is the right choice for you.
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