Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Company Develops HIV-Flavor Kool-Aid

with 2 comments

CIA to Market Beverage in Primarily African-American Areas

The Cola Industry Association (CIA) has launched a new flavor of soft drink, HIV-flavor Kool-Aid. It intends to make the African-American demographic its main target.

The CIA has been working for decades to develop this new flavor and get it to catch on in the black community, seeing both the threat of competition and the ease with which certain ideas or trends catch on among those of African descent. It had a hit with Tuskegee Condoms from the 1930’s to the 1970’s, and an overseas success with the same product in Guatemala. But penetrating its target demographic has always been a challenge for the CIA, in contrast to the ease with which it sells to Americans of European extraction.

The campaign will include mascots designed to appeal to the target demographic, including a portly mother figure, a talking watermelon and coupons for discounts on corn bread, according to Jenn O’Seid, a company spokesperson. Testing of the product has been taking place in Africa, primarily in South African and Nigeria, where the HIV market is particularly strong, and a smaller-scale targeting of the niche gay market in the U.S. also looked encouraging, she said.

The initiative faces stiff competition from other entities angling for a slice of the African-American demographic. American Refreshment Yummies And Nosh (ARYAN) already has a grape drink on the market, Welfare Queen, that it boasts has “a touch of hepatitis,” according to its ad jingle. ARYAN’s market penetration tends to be confined to the Northwest, but it boasts a small but loyal following in the deep South, where it hopes to have a major impact on the population.

Foreign competition also makes the market tricky. Drink Retail United Global Sales (DRUGS) has seen continued success with its Crack flavor, which it offers in a bonus pack that also includes the ever-popular Gang War. DRUGS gained market ascendancy first, but Asian producers and smaller-scale local manufacturers such as Mississippi-East Trading House (METH) have kept business people addicted to the ever-shifting battle over market share.

CIA President Jim Crow nevertheless remains optimistic the campaign will meet its sales targets. “We’re going to stay positive. We haven’t had this much excitement generated in the market since our Poll Tax Waffles.”

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Written by Thag

November 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

2 Responses

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  1. I knew it. The CIA is really a front for the commercial interests who really control Washington. Thanks for your expose.


    November 7, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    • Actually, the CIA is just a front for the National Softdrink Alliance.


      November 7, 2012 at 2:32 pm

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