Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Candidates Work on Last-Minute Pandering to Special Interests

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Tallahassee, Florida (AP) – With Election Day mere hours away, both Presidential candidates have embarked on a final push to get in as much pandering to special interests in this swing state as possible while there is still time.

Incumbent President Barack Obama addressed a gathering of supporters of the American-Israel Public Affairs Committee in Miami Beach, while Republican hopeful Mitt Romney held a series of meetings with oil company and tobacco executives. Both candidates lunched with competing teams of lobbyists for banking and industrial concerns.

Polls indicate that tomorrow’s election will hinge on a small number of electoral votes, meaning that the candidates must economize on the populism and hypocritical sloganeering while simultaneously selling the country’s future to the highest bidders. Obama promised a group of senior citizens never to touch the Social Security Trust Fund, immediately following a conference with representatives of the banking industry at which he assured the attendees he would personally plunder that fund to guarantee a respectable return on investment for the corporations involved.

Romney listened with feigned concern to a Jacksonville housewife struggling with medical expenses and taxes, after which he addressed a closed meeting of political donors from the energy industry, telling them he intends to approve any and all requests for hydraulic fracturing to locate deposits of natural gas, health consequences be damned, as if any of that can be proven. He also told them one of his first acts as President will be to dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency and the Securities and Exchange Commission, which will allow the companies in those arenas to maximize profits without the pesky hand of Big Government constantly trying to disrupt things with amorphous concerns about the health or solvency of people too pathetic not to be rich or connected.

“It’s crunch time,” said Hazel Knutt, a lobbyist representing several Virginia tobacco companies. “Mitt Romney has America’s priorities in order, all right, but that does’t mean we can rest – we have to do all we can to drown out the voices that disagree with us and our right to fleece Americans of every spare dollar and then some.”

“Americans have the right to die from some horrible cardiopulmonary disease,” she emphasized.

For their part, lobbyists focusing on support for Obama have had a hard time securing time with the President in the waning days of the campaign, making it more challenging to strike backroom deals to screw over the people who can’t afford to make noticeable campaign donations. Hurricane Sandy and its aftermath, which forced the President to actually demonstrate leadership and concern for ordinary citizens, meant Obama had less time for trade groups and for coalitions of narrow interests to secure his commitment to their causes in exchange for directing federal funds their way when the time comes.

“Sandy really caused some upheaval,” said Reginald Sinn, a pharmaceutical industry representative, not referring to the New York-New Jersey area. “The President’s schedule has been packed solid, and we have to use every ounce of political and personal leverage just to find a few minutes when he can talk to us, let alone reach an agreement that rewards my clients and the President’s administration while letting countless people die of eminently curable afflictions.”

At press time, this reporter was waiting for word on Romney’s reaction to a proposal on suspending the right of habeas corpus for readers who write letters to the editor.

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Written by Thag

November 5, 2012 at 4:28 pm

2 Responses

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  1. Politics as usual. Party affiliation is just a detail, like getting access to a gas pump on even days if you have an even numbered license plate.

    And the winner is…..
    it matters not.


    November 6, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    • You’re just bitter because you don’t have your own team of lobbyists.


      November 6, 2012 at 1:41 pm

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