Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

GOP Vows to Offend Every Woman in America by 2014

with 5 comments

Mourdock. If he gets elected, it’s God’s fault.

Washington, DC (AP) – The Romney presidential campaign and other prominent Republican leaders have undertaken to insult or otherwise offend every woman in America by the end of next year.

The GOP initiative accelerated this past week when Richard Mourdock, an Indiana Republican running for the Senate, explained his opposition to abortion even in a case of incest or rape by saying that such a pregnancy “is something God intended to happen,” leading American women to wonder why Republicans support a strong U.S. military, as that flies in the face of what is clearly divinely ordained Chinese military ascendance.

Earlier, Representative Todd Akin (R-MO), campaigning for one of Missouri’s seats in the Senate, claimed it was virtually impossible for a woman to become pregnant if the rape was “legitimate.” That statement kicked off a Republican strategy  aimed at making every woman in America feel revulsion at the party that produced landmark Presidents Abraham Lincoln, Dwight Eisenhower and Ronald Reagan, among others.

The abortion remarks are feeding an overall Republican strategy that puts such attractive issues as rape at the forefront of the election season discourse, which is sure to turn off a significant percentage of women, says Grace Underfier, a campaign analyst at Dunn-Diehl, a non-partisan think tank. “It’s clear from Republican statements throughout this campaign season that they intend to creep women out and drive them away from the GOP. It basically means that the Republican party feels confident enough to say how it really feels about women.”

Akin has a point – you know, *HE* never got pregnant from being raped.

The strategy has its pitfalls, warns Harry Nuckles of the Atlanta-based Research-Operations Task Force League (ROTFL). “The Republicans seem genuinely to believe their stated positions on abortion and rape,” he contends. “That means they expect others to believe those positions, as well, and women who also believe the GOP candidate’s radical assertions will be very hard to drive away – if rape can be legitimate, then there’s no reason to be offended.”

Nuckles surmises that the Republicans will address remaining women after it has successfully dissuaded the vast majority of American women from ever supporting the GOP, possibly by disenfranchising any women over the age of 18 who are not yet married.

“It’s tantalizing for the Republicans to envision a world in which women are primarily focused on the domestic sphere, instead of being out there in the world and making things so darn complicated,” concurs Hugh Wisch, a campaign strategist with Newt Gingrich’s abortive presidential bid. “Forget a Constitutional amendment to ban abortion – the Holy Grail for today’s GOP leadership is actually the repeal of the Nineteenth Amendment,” which in 1919 guaranteed the vote to women.

It remains unclear how the strategy to offend women dovetails with other Republican initiatives, such as the repeal of minimum wage laws, which would force women to work more and thus leave the kitchen. It seems likely, however, that any women incapable of overcoming the impossible odds of crushing poverty would be viewed by Republicans as deserving whatever misery comes their way, at home or in some unsafe, unsanitary sweatshop that probably employs only darkies or Spanish-speaking immigrants.

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Written by Thag

October 27, 2012 at 10:49 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Oh boy – I hope you don’t inadvertently prophecize the actual outcome and reason therebehind of this insane election that’s coming up. Are you trying to lay some huge jinx on the world? Why why why?

    Trent Lewin

    October 28, 2012 at 12:46 am

    • There’s an election coming up? Oh. That explains the stench.


      October 28, 2012 at 7:20 am

      • Well said. Don’t worry, will be over soon. I think. I predict a full deadlock tie.

        Trent Lewin

        October 28, 2012 at 1:00 pm

  2. You think you’re writing satire, but there are those on the right and left that can’t tell the difference between satire and reality. Did yu really want your devoted readers to gag on their own laughter?


    October 28, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    • There’s a fine line between causing readers to gag on laughter and hitting the mark with a post that will be taken seriously by juuust enough people to be spread like wildfire among the credulous, garnering me oodles of page views and possibly a lucrative book contract.

      I see Tina Fey playing me in the made-for-TV movie.


      October 28, 2012 at 2:32 pm

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