Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The Great Kindergarten Contraband Intrigue Caper

with 13 comments

You thought you could trust your little children, didn’t you? I’m here to tell you you’re a fool.

You’re a fool.

With that out of the way, let us examine what happens when one makes unwarranted assumptions about one’s child’s behavior. Especially when those assumptions make one’s life easier. But in fact are so untrue as to make one wonder what the hell one was thinking. If at all.

Here is Figure A, which lays out the typical morning ritual of attempting to prepare a sandwich for our dear daughter to take with her to kindergarten.

The figure does not show the histrionics that accompany each refusal, which no two-dimensional medium can adequately convey. It is left to the reader’s imagination. Considering the reader’s online habits, he or she should have no problem conjuring up vivid images, if you catch my drift. Sicko.

All well and good, or as well and good as could be expected. Until last week, when the complaints suddenly ceased. Thus Figure B:

Notice the complete absence of complaints or histrionics. This being our third child, we should immediately have listened to the powerful alarms sounding in our brains – much in the way the silence emanating from several children can only indicate something catastrophic in the works – but this being before seven o’clock in the morning, our brains much preferred to leave those alarms in abeyance. SO much more civilized at that hour.

In fact, a chance conversation with another parent at drop-off revealed that Figure C more closely represents reality:

Key line from one of the parents whose child had eaten the white bread: “Could you buy whole wheat instead?”

At the very least, we have now settled into the familiar, if less than ideal, status quo ante, with the added bonus of an almost daily whine: why don’t we send our kid with chocolate spread sandwiches?

Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, where we guarantee you will never encounter an idea as disturbing as a chocolate spread sandwich. Except maybe Vegemite. Or my taste in clothes.


Written by Thag

October 26, 2012 at 2:38 pm

13 Responses

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  1. I love the charts. I felt like I was hearing the Mission Impossible music as you were laying out the information.
    Btw, I love peanut butter. Also, my son often brings home his lunch uneaten but last week had a request for someone else who he had given his food to.


    October 26, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    • Yes, the drama here is always high. Especially around food.

      Hark! What light through yonder window breaks?
      ‘Tis the yeast! And Juliet is the bun!


      October 26, 2012 at 3:10 pm

  2. Makes Trent head go spin.

    Trent Lewin

    October 27, 2012 at 2:27 am

    • Trent clearly not a parent of five.


      October 27, 2012 at 6:59 pm

      • Ha! You are correct! I am a parent of three, however, and the youngest only arrived a month ago, so my head spins in perpetual motion jar of beans like all the time.

        Trent Lewin

        October 28, 2012 at 12:37 am

        • The solution is to lie down on the floor, where your children will climb all over you and step on your groin repeatedly.


          October 28, 2012 at 7:19 am

          • Ah yes, I have tried this before, and while it is most painful, it certainly wakes you up in the morning. I like to pair groin-kicking with a good cappuccino, that is a very potent if not particularly healthy combination.

            Trent Lewin

            October 28, 2012 at 12:59 pm

            • Yes, cappuccino can do odd things to your hormone balance.


              October 28, 2012 at 1:56 pm

  3. Been there , done that. Now your turn.


    October 27, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    • As soon as she’s old enough, we’ll be teaching her to beat up the other kids to take their lunch money.


      October 27, 2012 at 6:58 pm

  4. what happened to the great parent sandwich swap? Other parent makes your child whole wheat and organic peanut butter sandwiches.


    October 29, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    • Because that crap just isn’t edible, as the kids not eating it know.


      October 29, 2012 at 1:58 pm

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