The Great Kindergarten Contraband Intrigue Caper
You thought you could trust your little children, didn’t you? I’m here to tell you you’re a fool.
You’re a fool.
With that out of the way, let us examine what happens when one makes unwarranted assumptions about one’s child’s behavior. Especially when those assumptions make one’s life easier. But in fact are so untrue as to make one wonder what the hell one was thinking. If at all.
Here is Figure A, which lays out the typical morning ritual of attempting to prepare a sandwich for our dear daughter to take with her to kindergarten.
The figure does not show the histrionics that accompany each refusal, which no two-dimensional medium can adequately convey. It is left to the reader’s imagination. Considering the reader’s online habits, he or she should have no problem conjuring up vivid images, if you catch my drift. Sicko.
All well and good, or as well and good as could be expected. Until last week, when the complaints suddenly ceased. Thus Figure B:
Notice the complete absence of complaints or histrionics. This being our third child, we should immediately have listened to the powerful alarms sounding in our brains – much in the way the silence emanating from several children can only indicate something catastrophic in the works – but this being before seven o’clock in the morning, our brains much preferred to leave those alarms in abeyance. SO much more civilized at that hour.
In fact, a chance conversation with another parent at drop-off revealed that Figure C more closely represents reality:
Key line from one of the parents whose child had eaten the white bread: “Could you buy whole wheat instead?”
At the very least, we have now settled into the familiar, if less than ideal, status quo ante, with the added bonus of an almost daily whine: why don’t we send our kid with chocolate spread sandwiches?
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