Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

George W. Bush Admits He Used Steroids; Election Victories Voided

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Former former President Bush

Washington, DC, October 21 (Reuters) – In a revelation already wreaking havoc on the U.S. government, former President George W. Bush released a statement this morning that he used illegal chemical enhancement in order to win the 2000 and 2004 elections. After a brief review,the Supreme Court unanimously declared those electoral victories null and void retroactively.

As a result, the 43rd President was actually Al Gore, the former Tennessee senator, and the 44th was John Kerry. The current President, Barack Obama, will remain in office at least until January, but his number has now been shifted from 44th to 45th.

In their published decision, the Supreme Court said they wished to send a message to political competitors everywhere that the use of steroids or other illegal means to gain an electoral advantage will not be tolerated. “We condemn in the strongest terms Mr. Bush’s use of drugs to defeat his opponents, and hereby void his presidency. We hope future potential leaders remember his fate when they choose their paths.”

Non-entity Cheney now owes $44 million in back taxes.

The Supreme Court decision puts to rest some of the criticism of the judiciary for their ruling in 2000 to stop the recount of Florida ballots, which many suspected would show an electoral victory for Gore.

The invalidation of Bush’s eight years in office also cancels some major legislation he signed into law, as well as a number of important foreign policy initiatives. The 2003 war in Iraq, it now turns out, did not happen, a development that calls for a reassessment of how many Americans were killed in combat, if in fact any were killed at all. The sweeping violations of civil liberties that took place in the aftermath of September 11, 2001, will have to be canceled, and whether or not an invasion of Afghanistan took place will need to be reevaluated. Cemeteries across the country will have to prepare to exhume the no-longer-dead soldiers and contractors previously deemed killed in action.

The Internal Revenue Service is preparing a major audit of the wealthiest Americans, now that the tax cuts Bush signed into law were never properly authorized. They expect to collect $220 billion over the next two years as a result. Added to that are the savings from undoing all the spending to fund the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, meaning the U.S. government will save upwards of twelve trillion dollars all told.

The Department of Homeland Security was in fact never created, sparing tens of millions of air travelers the hassle and unpleasantness that the subsidiary Transport Security Administration had originally perpetrated against them. Additionally, the requirement that liquids be packed in specific sizes of Ziploc bags never existed.

Republican Congressional leaders questioned the legality of the Supreme Court ruling, noting that if in fact Bush’s moves as President were invalid, the Supreme Court Justices appointed by him were in fact not empowered to handle the issue. A Court spokesman dismissed the claim, noting that the unanimous decision would be binding even without the voices of Chief Justice John Roberts and Samuel Alito, both Bush appointees.

The first US President without scandal attached to his administration.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney will be replaced in history books first with Joseph Lieberman for 2001-2005, then John Edwards for 2005-2009. This makes Lieberman the first Jew to hold so high an office in the U.S., and the first non-Christian.

This marks the second time the Supreme Court has ruled to overturn a historical event. The only previous occurrence was in 1965, when the Court ruled that in fact that Lee Harvey Oswald had assassinated President John F. Kennedy, and not, as thought beforehand, by a pack of rabid weasels wielding machetes.

Mr. Bush was unavailable for comment, as he was busy preparing for a 2016 election campaign.

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Written by Thag

October 22, 2012 at 3:59 pm

One Response

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  1. He must have gotten them from Juan Gonzales when he owned the Texas Rangers.


    October 23, 2012 at 12:47 am

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