Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Study: Everyone Who Eats Vegetables Dies

with 8 comments

Atlanta, GA (AP) – The Centers for Disease Control have completed a one-hundred-thirty-year study on diet and mortality, and have concluded that people who consume fruits or vegetables in any form, at any time, will die.

The study examined the lives and habits of forty million Americans as young as two months old and as old as one-hundred-sixteen years of age. The researchers checked for the presence of even the slightest amount of vegetable matter in the subjects’ diets, including leafy greens, root vegetables, and fruit.

The CDC will publish its findings in the December issue of the New England Journal of Medicine. The study is expected to wreak havoc with government dietary and nutrition recommendations.

“It’s like a bucket of cold water in the face,” said Beth Hirschhorn, New York nutritionist and author of Seven Servings a Day. “With the data in our face for literally decades, the entire healthcare and dietary industries have dropped the ball, big-time.”

Wallace Lehmann, a physician at the Cleveland Clinic, agrees. “The field of medicine has focused so much in recent years on treating specific symptoms that we’ve lost sight of the larger picture. And in that picture, tens of millions of people are dying every year.”

Although the study authors urge caution, they acknowledge the overwhelming evidence will prompt a radical reevaluation of prevailing dietary sensibilities. “I’d recommend waiting for further study, but the fact is, no one has found anything that would sever the vegetable-death link,” noted Mort Ality, the lead researcher.

Ality noted that, ironically, scientists had long disparaged one of the oldest indications of fruit as a killer: the Bible itself identifies the consumption of fruit as the very source of human death. “We’re still scratching our heads at that one,” he said.

This is not the first such research of its kind, but the CDC study is by far the most wide-ranging and comprehensive. A 1949 Canadian analysis found a strong link between Brussels sprouts and death before the age of 124, but no follow-up was conducted until 1966, when the research was expanded to include carrots in both raw and cooked forms, with statistically identical results. That study found no difference in death rates between eaters of raw vs. cooked greens.

Health food.

Already, soft drink manufacturers and animal product marketers have seized upon these results to their advantage. The American Pork Farmers Association and The Beef Council released a statement today that their new publicity strategies will stress the relative health benefits of bacon, ham, beef and other forms of mammal meat, noting that the carnivorous diet has never looked like a better choice, considering the alternatives.

The Coca Cola company is expected to tout its roster of artificial ingredients, and fast food outlets such as McDonalds, experts anticipate, will likely remove the token tomatoes, lettuce and other vegetables from its standard burger toppings, instead only including them upon request.

Animal rights advocates and promoters of vegan or vegetarian lifestyles will have to reassess the merits of their health-based arguments, admitted Carrie Ohn, President of Meat Is Murder. “Our position has not changed,” she said when reached by telephone. “We will simply have to appeal to other sensibilities than health.” She conceded she did not know what she would eat, considering that nuts, seeds and other fruit were also shown by the study to be associated with every manner of human demise, including asphyxiation, car accidents, cancer and immune disorders.

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Written by Thag

October 21, 2012 at 3:39 pm

8 Responses

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  1. YES! Finally a study that makes me feel better!!!! Long live Diet Coke and McDonalds!


    October 21, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    • In this case, Diet Coke is clearly the healthier choice, because sugar cane is a vegetable.


      October 21, 2012 at 4:30 pm

  2. I knew it! Vegetables are killing me. A carrot tried to choke me the other day, actually. It’s rotting in the trash now.

    Trent Lewin

    October 21, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    • Better burn the trash just to be safe.


      October 21, 2012 at 4:39 pm

      • Good point… this could be a horror movie meme, carrot coming back, stalking me in my bedroom, jamming itself up my nose and into my brain. It’s possible. I will bring a shovel and attend to this miscreant immediately, thank you for the advice.

        Trent Lewin

        October 21, 2012 at 4:52 pm

  3. These toxic-producing companies will do anything in their power to deceive us, so we better start eating our daily fixes of coke and Doritos lol


    October 21, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    • The problem with Doritos is they are made of corn and vegetable oil.


      October 21, 2012 at 5:50 pm

  4. Fruit has been giving us trouble since the Garden of Eden.


    October 23, 2012 at 12:53 am

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