Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Fern Despondent after Being Defronded on Facebook

with 5 comments

Autumn, a fern in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains, has withdrawn from social activity after a gymnosperm she admired defronded her publicly on Facebook.

The perpetrator accused Autumn of stalking and repeatedly leaving her hanging. The gymnosperm, named Twiggy, said she never got an anther to comments or questions, and when Autumn did offer any responses, she quickly back-petaled. Twiggy posted on Autumn’s cell wall for everyone to see that she would no longer subject herself to such treetment.

The relationship began several months ago when both Twiggy and Autumn happened to get trunk together one night, and they each discovered the other was an aphid fan of Botany Spears. But Twiggy, who always aimed to become more fully evolved, soon grew past whatever affinity they shared, and made several vein attempts to introduce Autumn to pursuits that were less, in her words, “bush league.”

But Autumn viewed any such changes as growth violations of etiquette, and made a series of more and more obvious digs at Twiggy. In late September she showered the gymnosperm with accusations that she had shared pollen with Chloro Phill. Twiggy initially gave those insults little more than a shrub, not wanting to go the root of outright conflict, but Autumn’s bark became progressively more biting.

After another bitter exchange sapped Twiggy’s will to maintain the relationship, she decided to nip further conflict in the bud. “I have tried to get you to be a good spore about things, but you have done nothing but soil my reputation. I must stem the flow of more insults. I’m sorry we grew apart. It wasn’t plant that way, but you seem incapable of doing anything but adding ovule to the fire,” Twiggy’s first comment read. Autumn reacted with shades of Greta Garbo, first claiming she wanted Twiggy to leave her alone, then publicly unearthing Twiggy’s thorny relationship with the comedian Billy Pistil, another mutual frond, and continuously needling her about it.

That was the last straw for Twiggy. She pruned her list of contacts to avoid any further association with Autumn, and the latter has barely said a word, only speaking up to voice regret at her “foliage attempt” to get along with Twiggy. “It just canopy.”

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Written by Thag

October 14, 2012 at 3:36 pm

5 Responses

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  1. chloro phill? botany spears? treetment? and a fern… where you come up with this absurdism? great laugh this morning.

    Trent Lewin

    October 14, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    • You just pine for this kind of thing, then?

      Thag

      October 14, 2012 at 7:23 pm

      • I’m afraid so. I am just trying to figure out how we can take your voice to the masses. They need to hear this.

        Trent Lewin

        October 14, 2012 at 10:12 pm

        • Alternatively, you could just cut me a check. I’m cool with that.

          Thag

          October 14, 2012 at 11:26 pm

  2. Me and my ferns Love this.Thank You for the green smile.:)

    maryisidra

    October 14, 2012 at 10:55 pm


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