Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Classic Thag, November 2010: Give Birth and I’ll Sue You

with 6 comments

Originally posted November 24, 2010.

Subject: Infant Smith v Mr. and Mrs. Smith

If it please the court:

I am writing on behalf of my client, Infant smith, who seeks redress on the following counts:

As Exhibit A demonstrates, my client was clearly happier in his previous quarters, as the lack of reality tv indicates.

1. On 20 October of this year, at approximately 4 p.m., Mrs. Smith knowingly and deliberately separated my client from his source of nourishment, warmth and safety, into an unspeakably harsh environment. Although my client continuously expressed his opposition to this course of action, Mrs. Smith proceeded to expel my client from the premises he had occupied for nine months.

2. While this was happening, Mr. Smith, rather than provide assistance, encouraged Mrs. Smith to continue her actions.

3. In addition to encouraging Mrs. Smith in her mistreatment of my client, Mr. Smith himself seized a pair of shears and severed my client’s metabolism from its source.

4. As a result of Mr. Smith’s act of vandalism, my client, accustomed to receiving oxygen to his cells directly, must inhale a mixture of gases through an untested and immature respiratory apparatus. This mixture of gases has been shown to contain countless pathogens and harmful substances.

5. As a further result of Mr. Smith’s vandalism, my client, accustomed to having nutrients fed directly into his bloodstream, must engage in a humiliating act called “feeding” in order to obtain nourishment: he must hold his mouth a certain way against a very specific part of Mrs. Smith’s anatomy, and repeatedly use his mouth to try to stimulate Mrs. Smith’s endocrine system to produce a substance for my client to ingest. The effort and discomfort involved in both extracting sufficient quantities of this substance and converting its components into physiologically useful materials takes a physical and emotional toll, causing my client to be perpetually tired, upset and uncomfortable.

And as you can see, he is clearly in distress during the procedure.

6. Moreover, whereas before his expulsion my client could efficiently dispose of his metabolic waste products through his circulatory system, he is now forced to expel much of the waste through his own anus, which can irritate his sensitive skin. He lies at the mercy of his abusers in this respect, as well, since only they posses the wherewithal to clean the area. My client’s immature muscular system simply lacks the capacity to address this need, foisted upon him by the defendants.

7. The harsh lighting and unfamiliar, loud sounds of my client’s unwanted new environment further contribute to his discomfort and displeasure.

8. In his rightful environs, my client had no need for garments, but now risks exposure to extremes of heat and cold, not to mention the fundamental violation of his human dignity inherent in that exposure. Here, as well, my client lies at the mercy of his victimizers, as they alone decide if, when and how to garb my client. In addition to the obvious humiliation this engenders, my client has no say in the sartorial selection process.

If it please the court, my client therefore requests his immediate restoration to his previous abode, under the same conditions to which he became accustomed over the course of his entire existence.

Please Like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, and we will stop demonstrating outside your door regarding what ever political issue you can’t stand.

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Written by Thag

October 13, 2012 at 9:45 pm

6 Responses

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  1. LOL love it. 🙂

    rebecca2000

    October 14, 2012 at 12:31 am

  2. I laughed and am still laughing. We had a baby like two weeks ago, and now I am dreading the call of a lawyer or the knock on the door. This is pure brilliance sir and I salute you for the deep humour. Thanks for sticking up for the rights of those who are womb-enclosed.

    Trent Lewin

    October 14, 2012 at 2:33 am

  3. Let me tell you, you would’ve won this

    Mila

    October 14, 2012 at 8:49 pm

    • My dad was an attorney with an impressive litigation record.

      Thag

      October 14, 2012 at 11:05 pm


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