Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Syria, Turkey Fighting over Which Is the Worse Hellhole

with 6 comments

“This is the hand I wipe with. I will now shake yours.” Assad (AP).

Cespul, Turkey (AP) – Fighting has intensified along the border of Turkey and Syria, where the two countries have escalated their conflict over which one is the more backward, filth-ridden craphole.

Syria, in the midst of an uprising that began last year, remains the clear favorite, but Turkey’s continual bungling in diplomatic, military and political matters has kept the contest close. Unwilling to relinquish its aim to lead the Middle East back into the seventh century, Turkey retaliated for Syrian incompetence last week after stray mortar shells struck the town of Septik, and fired artillery at Syrian positions near Flush.

The deadly exchange of fire cost lives on both sides of the border. In addition to the damage caused by the shelling itself, both Syrian and Turkish soldiers suffered injuries when they improperly loaded their weapons, causing them to misfire and wreaking havoc in the Turkish town of  Fikal and the Syrian village of Dayariyya as the ordnance fell short of enemy positions.

The rivalry over which country has done a better job of keeping the Muslim world in the Dark Ages has not always involved Turkey and Syria. In the 1980s, Iran and Iraq spent years at war with each other, vying for the title of Most Immoral regime in the Middle East. Other countries such as Libya and Afghanistan occasionally made token claims; in the aftermath of 9/11, as the U.S. prepared to bomb Afghanistan back to the stone age, they discovered the country was already there.

“I’m ambidextrous.” Erdogan (AP).

With the turmoil in North Africa over the last two years, Tunisia, Libya and Egypt all had to turn their focus inward and concentrate on rebuilding the corrupt systems that had come toppling down after years of unsustainable graft and nepotism. That left an emptier playing field, into which Syria, Turkey and Iran have all come tumbling. But while Iran has focused on making a complete douchebag of itself on the world stage, the other two republics set their sights on direct conflict with each other.

It began slowly, as Turkey, a member of NATO, harbored refugees and rebels seeking shelter from Basher Assad’s soldiers, and making noises about bringing in its more powerful Western allies. When Syria downed a Turkish military plane several months ago, the two countries realized they had an opportunity to come out of the conflict with their infrastructure and reputations at an all-time low, but that doing so would require continued escalation of a pointless, bloody, poorly managed and chaotic war, and they immediately embarked along that course.

As of press time, Turkish forces were massing at Stool, in case the Turkish leadership decided to order an all-out assault on the neighboring Syrian region of Al-Fissis.

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Written by Thag

October 10, 2012 at 4:41 pm

6 Responses

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  1. I think I love you.

    Trent Lewin

    October 10, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    • You have what it takes to be a minion. I’m starting a collection. Interested?


      October 10, 2012 at 4:50 pm

      • Sign me up.

        Trent Lewin

        October 10, 2012 at 4:52 pm

        • Cool. You can be minion Number Two.


          October 10, 2012 at 4:53 pm

  2. Trent, you don’t know how lucky you are: all I was offered was a position as understudy for a toady.

    David Shaffer

    October 10, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    • …and we actually meant to offer that to someone else, but he threw himself off a cliff before we could get to him.


      October 10, 2012 at 9:16 pm

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