Red Sox Fire Valentine; City Commits Collective Suicide
Boston, MA, October 4 (AP) – Following the Boston Red Sox’s worst season since 1965, the citizens of the Massachusetts capital all killed themselves Wednesday and Thursday.
The team had been plagued by injuries and poor performances all season, while tension developed early between newly hired manager Bobby Valentine and some of the veteran players. Red Sox management dismissed Valentine today, with a year remaining on his contract, then joined the rest of the city in an orgy of self immolation, disembowelment, slit wrists, hanging, jumping off tall buildings and taking a bath with a toaster.
“Goodbye, cruel baseball world,” cried Alfred O’Donnell, 38, a lifelong Sox fan and father of two, as he prepared to inject himself and his family with massive overdoses of heroin. “My children, I do this to spare you from the agony that would surely be yours for ages to come.”
The self-killing spree began on Monday, after the hated New York Yankees, the team’s longtime nemesis, clobbered the Sox in New York, 10-2. Any thought of salvaging at least some dignity by beating the Bronx Bombers disappeared in a savage puff of smoke as the Yankees piled on the hits. Boston fans began jumping in front of oncoming T Transit trains as soon as the last out was recorded. Police statistics are sketchy, as the officers normally tasked with maintaining the data opted to off themselves with their service revolvers rather than continue to inhabit a world in which there is no justice.
Another disappointing loss on Tuesday pushed thousands more over the edge. Four hundred downtown businesses and sixty thousand prominent individuals took out a full-page ad in the Boston Globe announcing their intention to commit mass suicide by various means over the course of the next day if the Sox did not at least avoid a crushing series sweep at the hands of the Evil Empire.
The final game began in a promising fashion, as Cody Ross singled in a run in the top of the first inning, and Bostonians looked at their razor blades and katana swords with slightly less eagerness. The moment lasted about forty seconds, as Ross was caught stealing to end the inning, and the team would only add one more run over then next eight. The Yankees, meanwhile, answered with fourteen of their own. Robinson Cano and Curtis Granderson each hit two home runs, with the latter’s second blast giving the Yankees 245 homers for the the season, a team record.
The Red Sox, meanwhile, could barely manage to maintain their will to live, let alone put up a fight. At the team’s headquarters, upper management held a dour meeting the following morning to discuss whether they should bother doing anything beyond dismissing Valentine before they all went home and drank bleach.
No one in Boston was available for comment.
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