Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

NYC Subway to Allow Sane People in Stations, Trains

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New York, October 3 (AP) – Metropolitan Transportation Authority chairman Joseph J. Lhota announced yesterday that the NY City subway system would, for the first time in over thirty years, allow a limited number of sane people each day to enter and use the trains and platforms.

Since 1980, sane people have been barred from entering the labyrinth of track and concrete connecting four of the city’s five boroughs. In the first two decades following the decision, continual review of the available data pointed to positive results and minimal hassle to the average commuter, who was spared the awkwardness and unpleasantness often associated with encountering the sane.

But things began to shift in 2001 and 2002. “Sane people have been getting much better treatment and access to rehabilitation since [Mayor Rudolph] Giuliani’s second term in office,” recounted Lhota at a press conference. “And that has continued under Mayor [Michael] Bloomberg, to the point that now, commuters encountering sane people on the subway probably won’t even notice the difference between them and any other fellow commuters.”

Joseph J. Lhota

The repeal of the subway sanity ban is limited to passengers, and does not affect other branches of the MTA network. Buses will still be restricted to people over the age of 73 and the physically ill, except for schoolchildren capable of producing noise greater than 85 decibels for extended periods. Metrocard sales clerks must still undergo mandatory surliness and obesity training every two weeks, and decisions regarding track closures and repairs must be made by a committee with a collective IQ of no more than 73.

Lhota says the Authority is constantly reviewing the available information about all parts of the system, and will make other necessary changes as circumstances warrant. “We’re looking at a fifty-fifty possibility that a similar change will take place next year on the bridges,” he said, referring to the policy, in effect since 1993, that allows access to non-EZ Pass lanes only to the willfully ignorant and the utterly clueless. The SideTrack Plan, as it is known, has eased congestion at all of the major river crossings into and out of Manhattan. Lhota noted that the number of clueless drivers has decreased drastically since that time, largely as a result of several dozen major accidents that the Authority engineered in order to clear the road of such menaces.

Commuter reaction has largely been muted. “I’ll go to Hell with Obama first!” yelled Oscar Morton, 55, emerging from the 59th Street station. “No more green onions!” he shouted, shaking his fist at no one in particular.

Sally Evans, 40, agreed. “Awwwwwrrrr!” she said, licking the turnstile at the Rockefeller Center station as she went through.

“We’re looking forward to seeing how this works out,” Lhota concluded. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get this invisible suit back to the cleaners.”

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Written by Thag

October 3, 2012 at 10:33 pm

2 Responses

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  1. If I ever go to New York, I’m sticking to taxis.


    October 4, 2012 at 4:13 am

    • You’ll have to specifically look for the ones that leave the chewing gum on the seat, then.


      October 4, 2012 at 7:46 am

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