Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Abraham Arrested after Nearly Sacrificing Son

with 4 comments

Abraham, in an undated portrait.

Beersheba, Holy Land (AP) – Canaanite authorities have placed Abraham under arrest, alleging that he recklessly endangered the life of his son by almost sacrificing the child to the LORD.

Abraham, a father of two from the town of Hebron, was taken into custody yesterday afternoon by the Negev Division of the Canaanite Police Department, after his description was given to police in the Moriah District, where the incident is said to have occurred. He is scheduled to be arraigned later today, under a charge of reckless endangerment. The child’s age is unclear, and his identity is being withheld until the legality of releasing it can be clarified. He has been placed in protective custody by Jebusite welfare authorities.

The preliminary allegations place Abraham atop Mount Moriah in the area of Salem yesterday morning; witnesses say he bound his son hand and foot, placed him upon an altar, and brought a sacrificial knife to the boy’s neck. In the end Abraham did not harm the child physically, and the father instead slaughtered a ram he found nearby, but police and child welfare authorities are concerned that his episode reflects an unhealthy environment.

Abraham did not resist arrest, and is cooperating with police. He reportedly told them that he had acted on direct orders from the LORD. This and other aspects of Abraham’s behavior led police to place him under psychiatric evaluation.

Ishmael, a member of Abraham’s household, told police he was unaware of the goings-on atop Mt. Moriah. “We took a family trip, basically, and yesterday morning, my Dad and brother took a walk up the mountain. They took some of the firewood, but Dad said they’d be right back.” He said he was shocked by the accusations and refused to believe them. “I know I’m not exactly the favorite, so if Dad wanted to get rid of any of his kids, I’d be first on the list. No way he’d do anything crazy like that to my little brother.”

Ishmael was questioned briefly by police, then released. Police spokesman Hiw declined to give specifics, but other sources within the department, speaking anonymously because they are not authorized to discuss ongoing investigations, indicated that the police and child welfare agencies will focus on earlier events in Abraham’s domestic history, including an episode a number of years ago in which he had all the males in his household circumcised.

Sarah, Abraham’s wife and the mother of the child in question, was unavailable for comment.

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Written by Thag

September 16, 2012 at 11:37 am

4 Responses

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  1. Oh God that is so hilarious, and exactly hit the spot. The circumcised line… too much man too much.

    Trent Lewin

    September 16, 2012 at 5:02 pm

  2. Shanah tovah!


    September 16, 2012 at 7:36 pm

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