Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Linguists Link Stuffy British Accent to Horrible British Cuisine

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Oxford, UK (Reuters) – A comprehensive historical analysis of British pronunciation has uncovered a previously unexplored association between the pompous-sounding accents of Britain and the country’s awful food.

In an article to be published in next month’s journal Linguistics, a team of researchers from Oxford and Cambridge Universities lay out the case for a culinary force behind the peculiar shapes of the British facial and mouth muscles. They conclude that as Britons’ mouths were exposed to generation after generation of positively atrocious comestibles, their jaws and mouth muscles evolved to open as little as possible, and to protrude farther forward so as to prevent any unnecessary intake of the vomit-inducing foodstuffs.

“The stereotypical British accent, the one most evocative of snobs taking afternoon tea and eating cucumber sandwiches, seems to have evolved in response to such perversions of nature as cock-a-leeky soup, black pudding, spotted dick, faggots, deviled kidneys and, we kid you not, turducken,” writes the study’s lead author, Professor George Kipper, a Linguistics expert at Oxford. “Not to mention the very existence of a dish called ‘faggots’. It should hardly be surprising that such an evolutionary process would become evident, as it confers upon the British population a hardier alimentary character.”

Dr. Chuck Roste, a lecturer on cultural linguistics at Princeton University who was not involved in the research, gave cautious praise to the study. “The Oxbridge team’s conclusions are certainly consistent with the historical data, and, if substantiated by further study, are a real breakthrough,” he wrote in an e-mail. “But I would like to see a more robust treatment of other factors, including the blandness of British weather as a contributing factor in the blandness of British cuisine, as well as the ludicrousness of the royal family and its correlation with the ludicrousness of, say, haggis and toad-in-the-hole.”

Roste did note that this historical development seems to offer the British an advantage over other populations in the modern world. “There’s no question that no matter what its origin, the unholy incarnate in British cuisine renders Britons less susceptible to the ever-pervasive heinousness that is McDonald’s,” he wrote.

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Written by Thag

August 28, 2012 at 8:54 pm

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