Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Congress Passes Congress Subsidy Bill

with 3 comments

Cuban cigars. Despite the embargo, even the most Hawkish Republicans were reluctant to forgo the provision mandating an unlimited Congressional supply.

WASHINGTON (AP) – Congressional lawmakers pushed through a new subsidy bill to support the members of the Senate and House of Representatives today. The Cooperative Operative Representative Retention Upgrade Protection Tax (CORRUPT) Act passed both houses with little opposition, enjoying unprecedented bipartisan support in an otherwise bitterly divided Congress.

Sponsored by Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) and Diane Feinstein (D-California), CORRUPT calls for $82 billion to fund the lifestyles of House and Senate members struggling to maintain their lavish practices amid belt-tightening among lobbyists and party leaders, who have traditionally provided much of the luxury goods and services that Congresspeople have come to expect.

“This law puts Congress’s money where its mouth is – that is, where the caviar, fine cigars and wine are supposed to go,” said Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY), whose own three-Dominican-an-afternoon habit was threatened by budget cutbacks in Political Action Committees across the country. “One of the most venerable traditions in government is the complete disconnect between the struggles of the people and the luxury in which the governing class indulges,” he continued, addressing reporters at a post-legislative wine-and-cheese function to celebrate CORRUPT’s passage. “It would be downright un-American to allow this Congress to continue without at least a nod to that tradition.”

The CORRUPT bill was held up briefly while some House members wrangled over its provision for Cuban cigars, considering that the embargo currently in effect against trade with Cuba. After negotiations in the Deciding On Unnecessary Congressional Hubris Exercises (DOUCHE) committee, the lawmakers reached a compromise whereby no specific origin of cigars would be mandated, but a provision authorizing an additional 4$ billion would be added in case any representatives’ feelings were hurt by the blatant lack of good taste implied by the change.

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) between personal trainer appointments.

CORRUPT marks the fourth time this year that Congress has passed broadly supported measures despite being embroiled in constant partisan bickering on a host of other issues, such as health care, gun control, abortion, welfare, gay rights and foreign relations. In February, a bill swept through both houses allocating $45 million to finance a pool table and wine cellar in each representative’s office. Then, in March the General Representative Exercise Encouragement Drive (GREED) passed. It created a fund to finance a team of shapely, attractive personal trainers for each Congressperson. In June, Congress passed the Joint Effort to Restructure Kinks in Workplace-Associated Departments (JERKWAD), which mandated the construction of moving sidewalks along the Capitol corridors to avoid undue exertion in lawmakers’ grueling physical routines.

Congressional leaders do not foresee any similar bills this session, as all their time will be occupied with sniping across the aisle, campaigning for reelection and finding more measures with which to waste taxpayer dollars. “There’s only so much selfish screwing over of the American people we can do at once,” said Senator Schumer. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with my personal trainers Cyndi, Suzi and Trixx.”

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Written by Thag

August 19, 2012 at 3:11 pm

3 Responses

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  1. Finally, an act of Congress that makes some sense given what we know to be true about what really happens our government of the people, for the people and by the people (who have money and power)–that last part was written in very small script with the quill barely wet from disappearing ink. But it was totally there once upon a time.

    Lorna's Voice

    August 20, 2012 at 12:54 am

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