Study: Everyone Else Is a Terrible Driver
In an article in this month’s British Journal of Medicine, the team of scientists laid out their research and results. Covering the driving habits of over one billion people, this is the largest study of its kind in history, and points unequivocally to what you’ve been saying all along: that everyone else is a menace behind the wheel and should be kept off the roads.
The research focused on driving behavior such as going too slow when you are behind them; waiting more than three tenths of a second after a light has turned green to start moving; giving pedestrians the right of way when you are waiting to pass; driving one of those gas-guzzling SUVs like it’s a goddamn tank; and refusing to allow you to merge into their lane.
“It’s always good to be able to quantify things we all know to be true,” said Professor Terne Signull, the study’s lead author. “In this case, we found that everyone else on the road has no idea what he’s doing and should be forced to forfeit his driver’s license, assuming he even has one.”
Pott Hoal, Associate Professor of Anthropology at Texas A&M, who was not involved in the study, praised the research team for the thoroughness of their effort. “Not everyone pursuing scientific quantification of so-called ‘common knowledge’ will be so meticulous,” wrote Hoal in an e-mail. “Signull’s team didn’t settle for a simple analysis of highway driving, or even of traffic-light behavior, which would be serious undertakings in and of themselves.”
Hoal herself was involved in earlier research into Aperture-Digital-Nasal-Interface-Obscurity, the phenomenon in which even an untinted car window renders anyone outside the car unable to see the driver picking his nose. But she said the scale of the newest study proves convincingly that everyone else out there but you should walk. “The study gives even more weight to the argument that it’s better if everyone else walks or uses public transportation,” she said, noting that the environmental impact of such a phenomenon would do much to ease Global Warming.
One area the study specifically omitted was parking behavior. Hy Beems, a postdoctoral student who collated the data, explained that parking isn’t per se an on-road behavior that should be observed in the same way. “Parallel parking takes place on the road, but its impact on other drivers is indirect.” He cautioned, however, that bad parallel parkers, of which there are many, contribute to an atmosphere of frustration that heightens the effect of bad driving by everyone but you.
Beems said the team was considering a study of parking to complement the driving research. “We have the tools and the people; the question is funding and time,” and if you were in charge, things would get done efficiently around here, but you’re not, and that’s a damn shame.
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