Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Your Mom to Be Shut Down for Maintenance

with 10 comments

Your mom, who for decades has shined as a role model in the fields of promiscuity, poverty, obesity and stupidity, will be taken out of service for repairs and an upgrade, said her spokesman, Reginald Pimp.

Since at least 1975, when your mom became your mom by giving birth, she has been held up by playground and basketball court rhetoriticians as a paragon of anti-virtue, primarily in the context of riling you up to disrupt your concentration during play. And your mom’s dominance as a target of disparagement inspired myriad imitators – today not a single soccer match or pickup basketball game is complete without at least one instance of a player saying something disgraceful about an opposing player’s mother.

In one famous incident, an elite athlete for the French national team was disciplined for reacting violently to an opponent’s remark about his sister, which demonstrated the influence your mom has had on a generation of competitive taunters.

Though official records are hard to come by, the earliest indicators of your mom’s promiscuity seem to originate in 1979, when you were in preschool, and a playmate called your mom a “Ho.” It was unclear at the time whether the playmate knew the implications of the imprecation.

Within two years your mom was bandied about in reference to poverty, as well, when a classmate at PS 181 in Hollis, Queens, disparaged your choice of clothing. Obesity entered usage at about the same time, when your mom came to pick you up at school and a classmate made reference to her ample backside.

In 1984, after she stopped having children, most of whom were born of promiscuity, according to popular parlance, your mom pursued diet after diet in a progressively more desperate attempt to shed her callipygian figure, to little avail. This may have led to further insults invoking your mom’s perceived lack of intelligence, according to social historian Mark Mywords. “Your mom’s so stupid she couldn’t lose a helium balloon,” he said. “And she’s so fat her weight is measured on the Richter scale.” He added that her poverty might be a contributing factor in her continued obesity, but even without it, her dimwittedness presented too formidable an obstacle to success in dieting.

Your mom was featured prominently in the dialogue of the 1992 cinematic hit White Men Can’t Jump, though it is not completely clear whether the screenwriter and producer Ron Shelton knew of your mom’s existence when he wrote the script; it is possible your mom’s reputation had by then become such a part of the public consciousness that references to her poverty, stupidity or looseness did not require actual familiarity with her.

But your mom is such a ho it’s not unlikely that everyone who mentions her promiscuity speaks from experience.

 

Please like Mightier than the Pen on Facebook, and we will not compare your mom unfavorably to the mating habits of praying mantises.

 

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Written by Thag

August 5, 2012 at 1:52 pm

10 Responses

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  1. There are some people upon whom “your mom” insults are not quite as effective, bro.

    Shlomo Swidler

    August 5, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    • Yo mama’s so smart, she gave all her genetic advantages to her second son.

      Thag

      August 5, 2012 at 1:58 pm

  2. Has the meaning of “callipygian” changed since 1980, when I had a t-shirt printed to say, “Callipygian? My Ass!”?

    David Shaffer

    August 5, 2012 at 2:49 pm

  3. Perhaps lipopygian?

    David Shaffer

    August 5, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    • Noting inappropriate about “Callipygian” here, in the context of an “ample” derrière.

      Thag

      August 5, 2012 at 5:58 pm

      • You’re the boss, but I thought it meant “beautifully shaped…” as opposed to “ample.” cf. “calligraphy” – that surely wouldn’t be rendered “ample writing.” Still, you’re the boss….

        David Shaffer

        August 5, 2012 at 6:22 pm

        • I am the boss, yes,and I acknowledge the ambiguity of the term, butt it tends to be used in describing those better endowed in the gluteal region – curvaceous and flattering as it may be.

          Thag

          August 5, 2012 at 6:28 pm

  4. I bet you wrote this for Mother’s Day and just forgot to post it. Well, there’s always next year…

    Lorna's Voice

    August 6, 2012 at 9:27 pm

    • We had Mother’s Day this year? Again? Wasn’t there one last year?

      Thag

      August 6, 2012 at 9:33 pm

      • Oh, I’m sorry to be the one to break the news to you, but Mother’s Day, unlike Feb 29, comes every year.

        Lorna's Voice

        August 6, 2012 at 9:58 pm


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