Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

A Look at the Messiah’s Mail

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Your Majesty:

I think I speak for all of humanity when I ask, “When will you be here?”


Dear Louise:

You didn’t really think I wouldn’t know who you are, did you? Please.

As to your question, that’s up to you and your fellow [checks RSS feed] seven billion humans. It gets a little old to hear the refrain of people simply waiting for the End of Days, as if my job is to swoop in and rescue everyone from themselves. I’m the one waiting for you people.

But I want to be as helpful as possible, so please take care of the following issues before I can even consider becoming manifest:

1. Reality TV. I refuse to share the planet with an abomination of that magnitude. Same goes for chocolate-covered raisins. Or raisins in general. Yuck. And “white” chocolate. It’s not chocolate, people. The most you can hope for is that it contains some cocoa butter, but you’ll only get that if you buy the more expensive stuff. Keep calling it by the moniker of the Drink of the Gods and this divinely ordained king will not be paying you a visit any time soon.
2. Video games. Seriously, humanity? You couldn’t find a better way to spend billions and billions of dollars?
3. LinkedIn. I simply cannot countenance the hyper-earnestness of it all.
4. Tobacco executives. Humans, if you cannot find it within your abilities to get rid of these sleazy, greedy, cynical hypocrites, don’t expect me to do it for you.
5.  Abstract art. Oh, you’re just so clever, so meta. You’re an arrogant swine is what you are. I’m talking to you, Christo.
6. Celebrity gossip. Celebrities in general.

That will do for now. I’m sure you’ll have your hands full with those items, but if you do manage to fix all those issues, I’ll be happy to send along a few more.

Yours truly,

The Messiah
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Written by Thag

July 17, 2012 at 11:06 pm

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