Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Study Confirms You’re Wasting Time Right Now

with 9 comments

LONDON (AP) – Scientists at the University of Cambridge have concluded an up-to-the-minute survey of your online habits and have concluded that you are wasting your time right now. An article about the study will appear in next month’s British Journal of Medicine.

By examining where your eyes and screen have navigated on the web, and by weighing that data against your known obligations and productivity, the researchers have stated conclusively that your time would be better spent on work, chores, meeting financial and bureaucratic obligations, or just catching up on much-needed sleep. They also suggested pursuing romantic involvement, but cautioned that there as yet remained no direct evidence that you in fact are capable of accomplishing that.

Dr. Anthony Debevoise led a team of post-doctoral researchers in reaching the conclusion that you lack time management skills and any sense of priorities. “We wanted to see if you could correctly and consistently choose to engage in productive pursuits or basically killing brain cells, and in every case we observed, both options were always available. In every case, as well, you chose to read Mightier than the Pen instead of paying bills, working or answering important e-mails.” He added that the results of the study are still valid at this moment, and will be as long as you’re sitting on your duff and not doing something useful.

This is not the first time you have shown a marked tendency to engage in irresponsible uses of time. Since age 8, when you first discovered the books about human reproduction at your local library, not a day has passed when you have not engaged in some sort of time wastage.

The wastage continued apace until you landed your first office job, in 1997. That job required you to use a computer, which for the first time allowed you to waste time in multiple ways simultaneously, and the rate has held steady since then.

“This is an important study, as it confirms the working hypothesis among scientists who study you,” said Professor Michelle Lester of the University of North Carolina, and who was not involved in the research. “The consensus among researchers for the least several years has been that you have no clue and aren’t worth hiring – but it’s good to have formal, peer-reviewed evidence for the hypothesis nonetheless. And you’re still sitting there reading this blog. Amazing.”

This research also comes on the heels of a survey conducted among your household members pointing to an acute lack of discipline around bedtime, meal times, diet, exercise and bathroom needs. That study cited multiple instances in the last week of your sitting in your chair squirming as you finished reading an article, rather than getting up and just going to the bathroom already, for crying out loud. The researches added that it’s not like the thing would disappear if you left for a minute to take a whiz.

The Cambridge team intends to follow up by locating some sense and a blunt object, and will attempt to determine whether the blunt object can be used to knock some sense into your head.

Dr. Debevoise was cautious. “But first we have to make sure you have a head. But we’ll see what happens when you finish this sentence.”

“I didn’t think so.”


Written by Thag

May 23, 2012 at 9:56 pm

9 Responses

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  1. I guess just the act of reading this is proof that you are wasting time, unless of course reading this is your job. I am glad that I get to scan the net as my job (no matter how poorly it pays) instead of flipping burgers because I’m bad at flipping things. Except kids, kids are fun to flip, and even funnier when you drop them.


    May 23, 2012 at 11:01 pm

    • I’m not sure why I wasted time reading the comments. Or responding. Also, those small people are demanding attention again. No matter how many times I drop them…


      May 23, 2012 at 11:04 pm

      • Good point. That means you are not dropping the small people hard enough!


        May 23, 2012 at 11:09 pm

  2. This was hilarious. Was worth wasting my time scanning through many blogs. This should have wasted even more people’s time on The Onion.


    May 24, 2012 at 2:37 am

    • I figure the reason so many people make the mistake of paying to read The Onion is they’re stupid.


      May 24, 2012 at 8:27 am

  3. Guilty as charged, your honor…

    Ape No. 1

    May 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    • Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I was actually working. What did you say?


      May 24, 2012 at 1:24 pm

  4. What a waste of good time wasting time. Now I’m wasted.


    December 27, 2013 at 3:55 pm

  5. I will never get these moments back. I have come to grips with that.

    Trent Lewin

    December 27, 2013 at 5:16 pm

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