Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The Patient Has an Abnormality that Will Make It “Female”

with 9 comments

To whom it may concern:

This letter is to request insurance coverage for the termination of pregnancy in our patient, Gloria Patterson (policyholder ID# 487-55-5444).

The pregnancy in question began without complications approximately three months ago, but a sonogram on 13 March revealed that the embryo has a genetic abnormality that invariably results in myriad problems if the pregnancy is carried to term, as we shall presently detail. Please note that this list is partial, and by no means represents all the serious defects that such a child will suffer if born.

1. Increased susceptibility to urinary tract infection: Babies born with this embryo’s  genotype have a urinary tract much more exposed to the open air and its ubiquitous pathogens than the typical phenotype. This increased risk begins at birth and does not cease throughout the patient’s life.

2. Much higher incidence of certain cancers: The genotype results in children with myriad organs that simply do not exist in normal humans, organs that frequently give rise to cancers, most notably as a result of infection by the HPV pathogen, but by no means exclusively or largely resulting from infection.

3. Late onset bleeding episodes: These bleeding episodes typically occur past the first twelve years of life, but occasionally present once or twice in the weeks immediately following birth. They last several days at a time, and are frequently associated with severe abdominal pain and elevated stress hormones; the regular occurrence of such bleeding – usually every month – lasts for decades. In the most severe cases, a lifelong regimen of medication is needed to moderate the abdominal pain that can debilitate the patient for several days, often to the point of requiring bed rest.

4. Higher incidence of weak bones and fractures later in life: The densitometric data for similarly afflicted patients beyond their fourth decades features a sharp increase in osteoporosis, putting them at greater risk of debilitating fractures.

5. Higher incidence of perforation of the lobule auricle: Although the genetic mechanism of this phenomenon remains uncertain, it is nevertheless clear that this embryo’s genotype is associated with a vastly increased likelihood that the patient will end up with at least one hole in each earlobe by age 11. The perforations can be masked with all manner of adornments, but the use of such implements puts the patient at risk for infection. Furthermore, even if left without such cosmetic concealment, the apertures frequently fail to reseal.

6. Very high incidence of parasitic growths: Beyond a certain age, these patients report occasional growths in their abdomens lasting an average of forty weeks. Aside from the obvious disfigurement that these growths cause, they also are associated with nausea, swollen lower appendages, extremes of appetite and intense hormonal activity, among many others symptoms.

7. Stunted ciliar growth on face and torso: Even once they hit puberty, these patients’ face and upper abdominal areas remain smooth, indicating a shortage of mature follicles in those locations.

8. In-utero atrophy of Wolffian bodies and ducts: In patients without this condition, the mesonephros in the developing fetues gives rise to the efferent ductules of the testis, the epididymis, vas deferens, seminal vesicle, and vestigial structures such as the appendix testis, appendix epididymis, and paradidymis. However, in patients suffering from this abnormality, the mesonephros largely regresses in human females, though vestigial structures such as Gartner’s cysts, the epoophoron, andparoophoron are common. This departure from normal anatomy contributes to myriad disorders nonexistent in normal physiology, and presents significant barriers to diagnosis of many conditions.

9. Missing chromosome and chromosomal duplication: As noted, these patients entirely lack one chromosome, instead relying for biochemical regulation and protein generation on a duplicate of an existing adjacent chromosome. This abnormality lies at the root of all the symptoms detailed above.

In light of the foregoing, we recommend that your company approve funding for the procedures necessary to terminate the patient’s pregnancy. We remain at your service for any questions relating to this case.

Sincerely yours,

Lester P. Weintraub, OB/GYN                       Michael Schwartz, OB/GYN
Managing partners, Weintraub & Schwartz Medical Practice

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Written by Thag

March 18, 2012 at 5:22 pm

9 Responses

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  1. Interesting. But isn’t the policy holder a woman?

    1 Story A Week

    March 18, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    • And wouldn’t the woman’s physician be in the best position to know just what the unborn female baby faces?

      Thag

      March 18, 2012 at 7:18 pm

      • Most definitely! I think maybe I just didn’t get the point. I thought it they were trying to eliminate ALL females for what they thought were medical/logical reasons.

        1 Story A Week

        March 18, 2012 at 8:53 pm

        • There comes a point when overthinking satire kind of ruins it.

          Thag

          March 18, 2012 at 10:04 pm

  2. leaving a comment on this one is fraught with danger.
    i’m staying well clear of the possible resulting tumult.

    pesach

    March 19, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    • I was going to post a snarky comment in response, but aborted the idea.

      Thag

      March 19, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    • on second thoughts, you forgot

      “Monthly degradation into a 3 weeks psychotic temperamental state”

      i’ll come back to you with further suggestions (as they arise)

      pesach

      March 19, 2012 at 9:01 pm

      • I take it your wife doesn’t read this blog?

        Thag

        March 19, 2012 at 9:03 pm

        • you take it correctly

          pesach

          March 19, 2012 at 9:08 pm


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