Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Women Manufactured with Planned Obsolescence, Says Trade Group

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Cairo, IL (AP) – A trade group representing buyers of female reproductive partners has accused the manufacturer of designing the units to age prematurely.

The General Union of Youth Sustainability (GUYS), based outside Chicago, charges that the sole producer of women “consciously and deliberately designed the female units to decay at a rate far above that anticipated by the consumers,” the organization said in a press release. The manufacturer, Guardian-Origin Designs (GOD), has been the only producer of women for several millenniums. Although the patent on the original design is no longer relevant, no other firm has managed to engineer the manufacture of anything that might compete with GOD’s creation.

Phil Landerer, Director of GUYS, presented statistics that he said prove his organization’s allegations. “GOD has a lot to answer for. Here we have men in the market for partners with systems that can serve their needs for the long haul, only to find that crucial systems start breaking down irreparably when the units are only a few decades old. Maybe the lack of competition has made GOD complacent in quality control. GUYS will have none of that; we wish to remind GOD that it’s only a matter of time before someone else comes up with a more efficient, sustainably youthful model.”

Landerer stopped short of calling for a full-scale boycott of GOD’s products, explaining that for many consumers, the women produced by GOD are the only recourse they have in pursuing meaningful long-term relationships. He did note, however, that GUYS will launch a nationwide trade-in program later this year, in which aging female partners can be exchanged for newer, better-performing models.

Such programs have long existed, but usually on an ad hoc basis, and certainly not on the comprehensive scale that GUYS would want, according to Cass Nova, who has studied consumer habits in the mating industry. Nova’s most recent article, currently awaiting publication, attempts to define specific thresholds beyond which consumers will no longer tolerate a female unit functioning below its original capacity.

From research conducted over several decades, Nova posits several variables, some of which strongly correlate. The two most closely related factors are reproductive capacity and physical attractiveness, both of which deteriorate in most units beyond a certain age. In contrast, male units seem, by and large, not to suffer compromised reproductive capacity to nearly the same degree as females, and their physical attractiveness, according to the data, does not seem to have a direct bearing on their ability to find a suitable partner.

It is exactly that disparity that Landerer’s group seeks to address. “We call on GOD to bring female units up to the standard of their male counterparts, which, suspiciously, do not suffer the same set of defects that the females do,” the GUYS statement read. It continued with a litany of other grievances, notable among them the apparent deafness of GOD to centuries of complaints.

Strikingly, the bulk of the complaints that GOD has not addressed comes from the female units themselves, according to Faye Slift, president of the Committee Of Unduly Geratrified Amore Rejects (COUGAR), an organization that offers support for users whose female units have begun to deteriorate, but who lack the resources to invest in an entirely new unit. COUGAR provides counseling that emphasizes the advantages of a female unit with more miles on its figurative figure, but Slift acknowledges that it remains an uphill battle.

Ironically, notes Slift, GUYS will not cooperate with COUGAR, preferring instead to focus on improved access to younger models. Slift understands the position of GUYS, but points out that GOD manufacturers only about one percent more female units than male ones, which only serves to drive up prices for the newer models and cuts a large segment of potential consumers out of the market entirely. Such unfortunates must settle for the used or rejected units that only become available when the wealthier users have finished with them, and often the units have suffered significant wear and tear by then.

“It might be a better strategy to focus on quantity, rather than quality,” suggests Slift. “It’s clear that the manufacturer isn’t interested in improving the design of the female, but maybe GOD will consent to simply increasing the ratio of females to males. Taking the demands of the market into consideration would just be a more humane thing to do.”

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Written by Thag

March 10, 2012 at 9:58 pm

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