Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Classic Thag, December 2010: Search Engine Craptimization

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Originally posted December 7, 2010

Hey, SEO specialists! No, over here! Yeah, Mightier Than The Pen! That’s right!

Anyone want to buy a link on my site? I have a PageRank of…uh…say, is that real silk? Well, I’ll be. It certainlylooks like real silk.

Listen, I’ve got a plethora of great anchor text for sale. You want “rotting llama carcass”? I got that several times over. “The sewers of Hoboken?” Check. “Torrents of too-clever cerebral phlegm”? Accounted for. C’mon, you know you need that special link juice only I can provide.

Just imagine what happens if someone searched for “only if Twinkies are unavailable” and you don’t have a link in place from my site. Could you live with yourself? Or “Thag, son of Ogg.” These are just waiting for someone to snatch them up – don’t let the competition beat you to i- hey, where ya goin’? You can’t get these incoming links anywhere else! I’m the original! You’ll be sorry!

Yeah, when I’m a world-famous blogger with oodles of incoming links and a syndicated whosiswhatsis, you’ll regret not getting in on the ground floor, when the getting was cheap! You’ll lose sleep at night, saying to yourself, “Damn it! Why didn’t I buy a link from Mightier Than The Pen?” Your health and personal life will deteriorate as you obsess over why you were so shortsighted. And mean-spirited. Yeah, mean-spirited. You think it’s easy for a guy to put himself out there like this, prostituting himself in a desperate, increasingly pathetic attempt to gain some income for his efforts? Ooooh, but you’re a consultant, are you? You probably have a slick business card and “billable hours” and some important-looking mobile device. You don’t have time for hoi polloi such as a hardworking blogger, do you? No, of course not; you have people with money to try and impress, clients with enough business sense to be in an actual business instead of some contrived scam to trick the Googlebot into thinking unimportant things are important and popular.

Well, I got news for you, pal! No, I will NOT let go! You listen to me, and listen good! I got news for you! Google HATES people like you! They want sites to rank high based on their own merits, and their genuinepopularity, not some artifice. You want me to tell Google about you? Want me to rat? Well, I can do that! I got contacts! I know people! And you’ll rue the day you turned your back on Mightier Than The Pen!

You’ll be free to go when I’m good and ready, not moment sooner, punk. You think you’re so important. You’re such a hotshot! “Get off me. Let go of me.” Yeah, that’s how you sound, like some nerdy high school freshman about to be given his third wedgie of the day. I’m so impressed, Poindexter. You sign here and I’ll let go.

Or you can fork over $5,000. You decide. I’m not so picky. The main thing is that you feel disgusted with yourself. Me, I’m already there.

Thank you. Sorry about the tie. You’re lucky that’s not real silk anyway.

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Written by Thag

February 17, 2012 at 4:21 pm

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