Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Tom Brady’s Twitter Feed

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MHK on our Jerseys. No disrespect for the Kraft family, but shouldn’t mine say MVP?

Winning the coin-toss and choosing to kick off. It’s more fun to crush opponents when you pretend to give them a chance first.

Uh-oh. Tummy rumbling. Shoulda had another bowl of Wheaties.

Intentional grounding, my foot! Or Gronkowski’s foot. Better his than mine, right?

Did I leave the iron on? Damn, can’t even ask Gisele to check; she’s here too. What the hell is that thing for, anyway?

Down 9-0. Child’s play. Now all we have to do is win.

I always thought coach Belichick could be a presidential candidate if he smiled more.

See? Shred the middle defense – it’s that simple. They don’t stand a chance! I’m awesome!

Bill for President – I can really see it. If he wins he can make it legal for us to cheat again.

Halftime. But you knew that. Charlie Sheen knows nothing about winning.

Madonna at halftime? Really? I didn’t know she was still alive.

Pep talk. We’re trailing! And we have them right where we want them! We’ll surprise them by throwing the game! They’ll NEVER expect that!

Got some Wheaties. All is right with the world.

Some kid wants my autograph. His folks mortgaged their home for the game tickets; you’d think there’d be enough left over to buy one online.

Back to the game. You know, locker-room wedgies never get old. And you thought Welker couldn’t look sillier.

That’s right, Eli. Archie’s not your daddy. You know who is. Boo-yah!

Boo-yah? WTF? Can’t we come up with something snappier? I’ll ask Giselle.

You can’t touch me, Tuck! You couldn’t sack the dust off a- OOOF!

What’s this green stuff in my face? Is that what the turf looks like? Jeez, can’t the Colts afford to hire a groundskeeper?

Mental note: next time, make sure to put on the right size athletic supporter. “Tight End” has a new meaning.

OK, so the defense surrendered two unanswered field goals. We’ll still squash ’em, just like we squashed ’em in ’08! Oh, wait…

I missed Welker. I NEVER miss. That’s gotta be his fault. I’m too awesome for it to be my fault.

Manning, Manningham. Who can tell the difference? Apparently, the defense can’t.

The Giants screwed up and scored a touchdown when they didn’t mean to, and that’s good for us. I’ll explain later.

Which reminds me. Remember the part about throwing the game? We MEANT to let them score. I %$#@ you not.

57 seconds and 2 time outs. No problem.

4th and 10. OK, problem.

Because I’m awesome!

OK, we might have a problem. But it’s not my fault, because I’m awesome.

Time for one more play. We can do it, because I’m awesome.

It’s up! A Hail Mary! Get it, boys, get it…..!

I don’t care. I’m still awesome. I get to go home with a supermodel, no matter how much we sucked today. Remember that, losers.


Written by Thag

February 6, 2012 at 3:48 pm

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