Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

J-Date Launches New Loser-Friendly Interface

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Singles networking powerhouse JDate introduced a major site overhaul this week to afford losers a less unpleasant online experience. Mark Stein, a spokesman for Sparks Networks, PLC, which owns JDate, announced the change at a press conference in New York on Monday. JDate currently boasts approximately 450,000 members.

Until now, losers were subject to the same standards as other network members, such as the posting of a personal photo and indicating various aspects of Jewish practice, if any. That left losers in the uncomfortable position of actually posting photos of themselves on their profiles. According to Stein, many losers wound up without accurate photos. “We found that a full quarter of losers carried the handicap of no usable photo, for any number of reasons; the most prominent among the factors were the shame regarding their appearance, the unavailability of photos that did not show the loser without some food all over their face and front, and the inability of most losers to handle the simple upload process.”

The new layout will allow a joining member to decline the photo upload option, whereupon a sophisticated algorithm will divine from the rest of the profile data whether the applicant is a loser. If the answer is no, the applicant will receive a polite e-mail recommending the upload as soon as possible to enhance the member’s chances of having their profile viewed in a favorable light. If the algorithm determines that the applicant is a loser, then the joining member’s interactions will be restricted to other similarly classified members, and no mention of the photo will occur again.

“This new format affords members the double benefit of automatically relegating losers to a separate area of the site, and let’s face it, everyone wants that,” continued Stein. “Non-losers will save time, being finally relieved of the need to sift through loser after loser, and losers will be relieved of the pressure inherent in having to interact with normal, healthy seekers.”

Additionally, before the change, losers were also expected to indicate their level of Jewish practice or affiliation. This proved a challenged to many of them, according to Stein, because losers tend not to be certain or aware enough to provide usable data. The new format forgoes this set of points entirely, with the rationale that losers will more readily accept companionship from anyone, as their social situation is far more desperate than that of non-losers.

Reaction to the change has been mixed. Recently divorced father of two Jake Schwartz, a new member, has found that the number of potential companions has dropped significantly since last week. “I had all these options before – it seemed that not only were there other fish in the sea, but that there were schools and schools of them. Now I could probably exhaust my standard-issue flirt messages within a few days.” He conceded that it is still too early to judge the new system.

Aspiring therapeutic touch practitioner Sandra Bierman disagrees. “The exact opposite happened to me. I didn’t have a photo with the right vibes – everything was in bad-omen colors – so I declined the photo option, look!”  she gestured at her profile page, “forty thousand potential mates with the same sensibilities!”

Other dating sites are studying the results of JDate’s move with excitement. “We see JDate’s niche audience as a excellent medium for this kind of experiment,” said James Lowenstein of eHarmony, in an e-mail message. “We’re interested in how this turns out for JDate, because that kind of granular data is invaluable in the online dating business.”

Stein, the JDate spokesman, declined to provide data on the number or percentage of losers in the JDate membership, but this reporter declined to submit a photo and enjoys the virtual company of more than 400,000 other JDate users.

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Written by Thag

December 26, 2011 at 9:20 pm

One Response

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  1. I knew this would be great when I read “…to afford losers a less unpleasant online experience.” Brilliant!

    Never having availed myself of such online services, I can only imagine how these upgrades could work to the advantage of subscribers. I did hear that losers often posted pictures that weren’t necessarily exact facsimiles of themselves (using snaps of Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie, for example). I always wondered how that worked if, I mean, when they got a real live date…

    Please keep us posted on the results of these changes to JDate. I knew some people who are lonely Jewish losers (go figure!).

    Very clever stuff, Thag! 🙂

    Lorna's Voice

    December 27, 2011 at 8:47 am


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