Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Dear Parents: Please Send Your Child to School with an Ax Today

with 4 comments

Dear parents:

On Thursday, December 15, the fifth grade will visit the Bestiality Museum in Weehawken. This exciting opportunity to enhance the children’s classroom learning will give them hands-on experience in applying what they have learned to the problems of today – and in the presence of some of the most important contemporary personalities in bestiality.

As you know, this year’s integrative curriculum includes a focus on evolutionary biology, through multiple lenses. Our previous trip, in early November, took the children on a riveting journey through the myriad ways in which creatures engage in reproductive activity. Because the feedback from that outing to the Short Hills BDSM Museum proved so hearteningly plentiful, for this month’s trip we selected another venue guaranteed to offer impressionable young minds a broadening experience, while at the same time making the subject relevant to everyday life. Our success in accomplishing the latter is evident from the parental involvement and interest in these trips.

Speaking of parental involvement, we still need two parental chaperones to accompany the students. Eleanor Jacobs, Stuart’s mother, generously offered her time for the last two trips, and we must also thank her for using her inside connections at the BDSM Museum to get the school a steep discount. This time, however, Mrs. Jacobs has a prior engagement, and we need another parent to step into her boots. We need a second volunteer, as well, as this year’s fifth grade class has seventy students. Interested parents, please contact school secretary Geraldine Ferraro.

The January and February trips still require some finalization, but we intend to take the students to the chemical weapons testing facility in Woodbridge and a mortuary, either in Jersey City or Newark. If you can let us know this far in advance whether you can serve as chaperone on one of those outings, please do so.

We welcome your continued feedback. Nothing says you care about your children’s education as much as when you let us know what you think.


Jeff Dahmer
Principal, Mahwah Central Grammar School


Written by Thag

November 29, 2011 at 3:38 pm

4 Responses

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  1. Oh Thag, where do I enroll?


    November 29, 2011 at 6:24 pm

  2. But there is no gum chewing allowed. Let’s make that clear! 😉

    Lorna's Voice

    November 30, 2011 at 12:25 am

    • You know, I should have put in something about a permission slip. Oh, well.


      November 30, 2011 at 8:16 am

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