Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Classic Thag, December 2010: The Toddler Principles of Mitten Use

with 3 comments

Originally posted December 17, 2010

1. I am dimly aware that my thumb plays a role in the process, but am as yet incapable of aligning that thumb with the thumb compartment. Either that, or I mastered the required level of digital dexterity and am just messing with you.

2. You will regret not clipping the mittens to my coat sleeve. Are you trying to lose these things?

3. The number of times I will remove the mittens and cry that my hands are cold is inversely proportionate to your patience.

4. I am perfectly capable of disproving your contention that mittens only disappear one at a time.

5. You are fooling yourself if you think that I cannot remove mittens that have no separate thumb.

6. Because washing mittens is inconvenient at best and outright destructive at worst, I will make sure to wipe my runny nose on the mittens as frequently and messily as possible.

7. The compromised manual dexterity that mittens cause will in no way prevent me from demanding foodstuffs that necessitate full finger use, such as pretzel sticks or Cheerios.

8. The odds of my removing and dropping at least one mitten increase in proportion to the wetness of the ground.

9. If you do wise up enough to attach the mittens to my coat sleeve with clips, if you then make the mistake of trying to do so while I am wearing the coat, I will move around as much as possible, and might throw a tantrum.

10. Despite all your precautions and efforts, at least one mitten will disappear by the time winter ends.


Written by Thag

November 18, 2011 at 3:02 pm

3 Responses

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  1. You wouldn’t think mittens (such a cute and innocent sounding item) would be so complex and devious. It’s always the cute and innocent things that your have to watch for. Remember that. 😉

    Lorna's Voice

    November 18, 2011 at 3:52 pm

  2. Amen, number 3. Amen.


    November 19, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    • Funny, normally I have to deal with my toddler’s number TWO at inopportune moments…


      November 20, 2011 at 7:23 am

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