Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The Really Messy Part of Childbirth Is in the Guy’s Head

with 4 comments

Prospect

Her Reaction

His Outward Reaction

His Real Reaction

Sex during labor “Ew. How uncomfortable are you trying to make me?” “Uh, OK, if it will help with relaxation.” “You bet!
Oh. Wait. You mean with you?”
Time to go to the hospital “Oh, can’t I just give birth right here?” “Whatever you think is best, honey, but I think you’ll feel safer with the doctor around.” “Oh, God, please let’s just go to the hospital, OK? Driving there will give me something useful to do.”
Getting into the car “Drive slowly, OK? The bumps are awful during contractions.” “I’ll do my best, honey. We do have to go at a reasonable speed.” “Come on! Outta my way! I’m gonna floor it!”
Check-in “Can I just (deep breath) see the (deep breath) doctor already?” “Can we just see the doctor already?” “Get somebody else responsible for this woman’s welfare before my true incompetence has a chance to show.”
Internal examination Damn, that’s uncomfortable. Is this really necessary? Damn, that looks uncomfortable. Is this really necessary? Won’t be doing that for a while.
Hooking her up to a fetal monitor “Oh, God, I hope nothing’s wrong.” “Oh, God, I hope nothing’s wrong.” “That is one fine-lookin’ technician.”
Hearing the fetus’s heartbeat Thank God my baby’s all right. My baby’s all right, right? Is it supposed to sound like that? I hope so. That is one fine-lookin’ technician. Mm-hmm.
Pitocin to speed up the delivery process “This is exhausting. Thank you for trying to pull me through it more quickly.” “This is exhausting. I can’t wait to meet our new child.” “This is exhausting. I hope I have the energy later to make it to the game.”
Offer of an epidural Either: “NOW, DAMN IT!” or: “No, I’m going to do this naturally.” Whatever she wants; it’s her body. “I want one too. Isn’t there a place for me to lie down or something? What lousy service.”
Transition contractions “UUUUUUUNGGGH!” “Breathe, honey. I’m right here. Here, hold my hand during those contractions.” “JESUS! THAT HURTS! YOU’RE GONNA BREAK EVERY BONE IN MY HAND!”
Delivery “UUUUUUUNGGGH!” “Omigod! Omigod! I see the head!” “I think I’m gonna be sick.”
Placenta delivery “Uuuuuuuhhh…” I think I’m gonna be sick. I think I’m gonna be sick.
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Written by Thag

November 16, 2011 at 4:20 pm

4 Responses

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  1. What a hilarious way to start the day!

    John

    November 16, 2011 at 4:23 pm


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