Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

How to Walk Your Dog Like a Class-A Jerk

with 5 comments

Fig. A: Dog bladder

1. Examine dog. Make sure dog bladder (Fig. A) and dog colon (Fig. B) are fully loaded.

2. Attach leash to collar of dog (if dog is not American, attach lead instead of leash).

3. Neglect to take plastic bags with you for inevitable intestinal output.

4. Follow route that includes urination and defecation sites best suited to inconveniencing passers by. Select such sites for dog, as well.

Fig. B: Dog colon

5. Unleash dog at local park or playground in flagrant violation of leash laws and common sense.
5a. If challenged on point 5, dismiss concerns with wave of hand and nonchalant assurances that dog behaves well and never bites.

6. When children or adults react with fear of unleashed dog – or even of one still restrained – express only shock that anyone could suspect a carnivorous, fanged beast a threat.

7. Make big show of not noticing that dog has deposited excrement when creature has manifestly done so.
7a. If challenged on point 7, respond with aggressiveness and assertion that you will do as you damn well please, and besides, the town employs people to keep the streets clean.
7b. On rare occasions that challenger carries some official capacity – such as that of a police officer, or some other person with authority to levy fines – assume posture of arrogant indignation, explicitly noting that your taxes pay the salary of said person.

8. Return home with clear conscience, if any.


Written by Thag

November 15, 2011 at 9:39 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Ha! Can’t count how many pairs of cheap but functional shoes had to be tossed from stepping in my neighbors dog poop.


    Rob Rubin

    November 15, 2011 at 11:04 pm

  2. When people act surprised that I lift my toddler into the air away from their beast, I am oft tempted to release my bear and let him chase them down the sidewalk. “He’s twice your weight, I know. But he LOOOOOVES grown-ups!”


    November 15, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    • This is Gus, my metal baseball bat. (BAM!) Oh, stop being such a wimp – this is just his way of showing affection! (BAM!)”


      November 16, 2011 at 6:56 am

  3. Powerful last two words – “if any”!


    November 16, 2011 at 2:00 am

  4. I love watching a person whose dog is “doing the dirty” at the end of a leash. How can a person look so conspicuously nonchalant? It’s funny and I have a dog. But I watch him do his thing and I’m there with the poop bag at the ready and praising him for FINALLY doing his thing. I really need a life…

    Lorna's Voice

    November 16, 2011 at 11:18 pm

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