Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Why Has Your Blog Attracted Only Five Visitors Today?

with 9 comments

Likely Explanations

Less Likely Explanations

Your Explanation

There are a billion other blogs basically identical to yours.

You timed your last post badly.

Your subscribers, fans and WordPress have conspired to pull a vast practical joke on you.

You haven’t said anything compelling in all the time your blog has existed.

People have misunderstood your avant-garde material and fail to see its merit.

Was it something I said?

You haven’t made sufficient effort to promote your blog.

Your tireless efforts to promote your blog have come to naught.

Your screen has gotten comfortable with the same familiar, low figure, and refuses to display anything new or different. “5” is such a nice numeral, isn’t it? Why exchange it for something else?

Your idea of a reasonable number of visitors is exaggerated.

A bug in the stat-tracking scripts has delayed display of the actual figure.

A sudden onset of innumeracy has made you misapprehend what is actually a respectable figure.

It’s the weather. The seasonal changes have affected your mood and you haven’t posted anything new in three weeks.

It’s the weather. Sometimes people’s connection to the internet is affected by the weather, so just give it time.

It’s the weather. Because it’s so warm, people are trying to find ways to cool off and haven’t gotten around to checking out your blog. Or because it’s so cold, people are bundled up and can’t maneuver their devices properly. Or because it’s so mild, people are outside enjoying themselves instead of staying online. You know, because it’s not like anyone stays so attached to a mobile device that it might as well be connected by IV.

Your spotty internet connection has made it difficult to keep to a rigid posting schedule, causing frequent large gaps between posts, and consequently, a diluted following.

Your spotty internet connection has made it hard for you to check your stats when an accurate number of visitors is recorded.

Your spotty internet connection sometimes gets confused and gives you old data that got caught there by accident. You have to unplug the router and blow the lint out of the Ethernet cord.

Your material sucks.

God hates you. If you’re even worth His time.

Your material is so awesome that God Himself is wary of letting more than a select few humans encounter it.

You made poor choices in selecting tags for your last post, condemning the post to virtual oblivion.

WordPress has an unfair policy when it comes to posts that genuinely need three dozen tags, honest!

Your computer is stuck in Dr. Crusher’s warp bubble.

You wrote your last post before your morning coffee, and the results speak for themselves.

Your regular visitors are busy having their morning coffee now, but after breakfast time, look out!

The rest of the world just hasn’t had its coffee yet. Yes, even the people over in Western Samoa. Any minute now, boom!

People have only so much time for entertainment, and your blog just doesn’t make a persuasive enough argument to make it part of their routines.

Your post came this close to being noticed and spread around by a major online entertainment powerhouse. Of all the rotten luck.

Maybe if you spelled “Michael Jackson” “Mykel Jaxson” you would get more hits from search results.

“bunion-related-sports.com” is a lousy name for a blog site dedicated to cultivating azaleas.

Crossover sports-gardening-podiatry sites are the next big thing, and you’re getting in on the ground floor.

The domain name is completely unimportant to a site’s success. Just you wait and see!

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Written by Thag

November 13, 2011 at 3:14 pm

9 Responses

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  1. Funny coz it’s true 🙂

    OracularSpectacular

    November 13, 2011 at 4:45 pm

  2. XD

    I DID get a lot of visitors! 5 is a very big number! It’s like 2 more than I got last week!

    Jacob Spire

    November 13, 2011 at 5:28 pm

    • Isn’t 5 just 2 upside down? So have you really gained anything?

      Thag

      November 13, 2011 at 5:29 pm

  3. …And the worst part is that those 5 are other only-got-5-view bloggers, who only visit your blog because WordPress suggests commenting in other blogs in order to get more views…

    Jacob Spire

    November 13, 2011 at 5:29 pm

    • Of course. WordPress isn’t interested HELPING you, for crying out loud. Like the rest of us, they’re far too lazy to DO anything beyond tooting their own horns and inflating their statistics. So it’s up to us clueless loser bloggers to bootstrap ourselves to success.

      That’s right: we must hack into the WordPress servers and adjust our statistics to our liking.

      Thag

      November 13, 2011 at 5:33 pm

  4. “Your material is so awesome that God Himself is wary of letting more than a select few humans encounter it.” I knew that was the reason. Thanks!

    whatimeant2say

    November 13, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    • Well, in your case, that might be true, but God told me not to visit your blog. Something about it not being safe for little minds. No idea what He meant, though.

      Thag

      November 14, 2011 at 7:24 am

  5. Well that explains everything. Now I can spend less time ruminating about my stats and more time fretting about the quality of my posts. Thanks. A blogger who isn’t worrying about something is doing something horribly wrong. 😉

    Lorna's Voice

    November 16, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    • Wait, I’m supposed to be worried? Uh oh…

      Thag

      November 16, 2011 at 3:14 pm


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