Mightier Than The Pen

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Thag’s Labor and Delivery Quiz: You’ll Need an Epidural to Read this Post

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1. Your OB-GYN has calculated your delivery date as the 15th of November. This means:
(a) You will give birth on any day BUT the 15th of November.
(b) From about the 1st of November you will be on pins and needles just waiting for the onset of labor.
(c) Your ultrasound data will not jibe with your projected due date, causing unnecessary and unwanted additional trips to and from your OB-GYN and the ultrasound facility in case the discrepancy portends something horrific, but of course it’s probably nothing, we just have to cover all the bases, but don’t you worry about it, everything’s going to be just fine.
(d) You can expect to hear unsolicited horror stories until approximately the 15th of December.

2. A contraction feels:
(a) Like someone has whomped you in the gut with a firm pillow.
(b) Like a bad case of constipation holding back a bad case of diarrhea.
(c) Like your midsection has been taken over by the cast and crew of Stomp.
(d) Like a perfect reason to call your doctor for the fifteenth time this week, because this time it might be for real.

3. The proper role of the father during labor and delivery :
(a) Mainly involves photography.
(b) Traditionally includes primarily being sent to boil water, which no one really needs, but it gets him out of the way for a while.
(c) Should not, on pain of death, feature minute-by-minute tweets advising of the mother’s progress.
(d) Is to do all the stressing out that the mother is too busy to get done herself, what with the actual labor and all.

4. Your childbirth class instruction included a description of the contractions during Transition as having increased discomfort. Your reaction this description:
(a) Is merely to RIP OUT THE EYEBALLS OF THE IMBECILE WHO DECIDED TO SUGAR-COAT THE DESCRIPTION LIKE THAT. HOW’S THAT FOR DISCOMFORT, YOU ^%#$$?
(b) Is to be reminded of Dave Barry’s description of a junkie as a “heroin fancier.”
(c) Prompted you to request an epidural to be administered starting in week 32.
(d) Confirms your suspicions that women who claim to love childbirth inhabit an entirely different dimension that only occasionally intersects with this one. You wonder whether they relax by having their fingernails extracted with a pipe wrench.

5. Post-partum, you will bleed:
(a) Like a stuck pig in a meat grinder.
(b) All over the goddamn designer nursing clothes you bought in a fit of yuppie insanity.
(c) From your nipples, for crying out loud. They didn’t warn you about that emphatically enough, did they?
(d) For so long you will wonder why hospitals even have a separate facility for blood donations.

6. In your professional opinion as an OB-GYN, which of the following is the best justification for a scheduled Cesarean section?
(a) I get more money from the the insurance company for performing such a procedure.
(b) Putting the mother under is the best way to shut her up.
(c) It’s too risky to let the uterus do exactly what it evolved to do.
(d) The patient is already dead.

7. Which of the following measures should be taken to preserve the birthing mother’s dignity in the delivery room?
(a) Restricted access: only four random strangers allowed to view the woman’s intimate parts at a time.
(b) If not otherwise occupied, the anesthesiologist can muffle the mother’s unbecoming vocalizations by holding a pillow over her face.
(c) Laughably open hospital gowns in subdued, non-attention-grabbing hues.
(d) Strict procedures governing which hospital personnel are allowed to treat the mother as an ignorant piece of meat and which must settle for only using a condescending tone.

8. Carol Burnett compared childbirth to taking one’s bottom lip and stretching it over the top of one’s head. Why might this be so?
(a) Holy crap. I’m getting an epidural.
(b) No, really. You’re scaring me. My body was NOT meant to do this.
(c) Um, WTF?
(d) If you need me, I’ll be in the waiting room, clobbering my husband for the next twenty minutes. Bastard.

9. A newborn baby most closely resembles:
(a) A powdered donut.
(b) Winston Churchill.
(c) A number three frozen Purdue chicken (or Frank Perdue himself; it’s a toss-up. Wait. Isn’t that H. Ross Perot? Former NY Mayor Edward I. Koch? Help us out here).
(d) The member of the family most closely related to the person noticing the resemblance.

10. The feeling of cradling your newborn baby against your skin:
(a) Is Heaven on Earth.
(b) Is the most persuasive argument for the existence of God as can possibly be made.
(c) Makes every last bit of unspeakable pain in your life, let alone your pregnancy, worth it and then some.
(d) Is too precious and pure for me to even think of putting a sarcastic, snarky answer in for this question. (Oh, by the way, congratulations. And enjoy).

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Written by Thag

November 12, 2011 at 10:35 pm

One Response

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  1. Every mother has a birthing story. Epidural, Honey, epidural. 😉

    Lorna's Voice

    November 16, 2011 at 12:58 am


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