Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Hey! I May Be a Lousy Blogger, but…but, Uh…I’ll Think of Something

with 7 comments

Things You Have Seriously Considered Offering in Exchange for Robust Visitor Stats

Things You Might Consider Offering in Exchange for Robust Visitor Stats if Push Comes to Shove

Things You Will Only Offer in Exchange for Robust Visitor Stats if Your Life Depends on It

Various numbers of children, both born and unborn

Your significant other or others, especially former lovers

A sex life

The pinkie finger of your non-mouse-clicking hand

A roof over most of your residence. Really, you can manage without one everywhere except where the computer gets plugged in.

Wait, I take that back

One meal per day, possibly two, as long as you could still have pizza with some regularity

Daily (one hopes) hygiene

I think. Let me consider my options:

All the extra shoes you have lying around, especially the ones that you haven’t worn in about four years, but are still saving because, hey, they might come in handy

Shaving. Yes, your legs and unibrow count.

What are the chances I can get some – any, really –  with low self-esteem that results from my current sustained mode of attracting an average of twelve users a day?

Jersey Shore. Let’s be honest here: you should be giving this up no matter what, but a bargaining chip is a bargaining chip.


Wouldn’t it be wiser, taking the long view, to give up on this pipe dream of hitting it big with my blog and try to get a real job with real income?

Your subscription to Celebrity Inanities Weekly (also known as Parade magazine, free with your Sunday paper. While you’re at it, you might want to give up your Sunday paper. Talk about a waste of trees).

Electricity at non-computer-using times

In this economy? What are you, a moron?

Non-essential furniture, such as anything not involved in holding up the computer or the person using it

Fresh vegetables

Oh, so it’s better to keep flogging the dead horse of a useless blog and pray for a miracle?

The collection in your toolbox of random screws and other hardware that has accrued over the years. It might come in almost as handy as the old shoes

Canned vegetables

So you have a better idea, Einstein? I don’t see YOU raking in the cash.


Frozen vegetables

Yeah, but at least I think about trying something else that might work out better – you just sit there on your fundament and blather on endlessly to no one in particular! You should have your own hour on C-SPAN!

Continence. How bad can permanent catheterization be?

Pickled vegetables. Thankfully, this does not include potato chips.

Say, that’s an idea. I’ll do some online research into getting my own TV show…


Written by Thag

November 8, 2011 at 4:16 pm

7 Responses

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  1. Maybe the expression should be ‘blogging a dead horse’ What do you think?


    November 8, 2011 at 4:39 pm

  2. You know what they say, statistics don’t lie, people do. But since people create statistics, … you do the cheating, lying math. I say blog away and leave the numbers to the left-brainless. 😉

    Lorna's Voice

    November 8, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    • I was a History major, back in the day (mostly in the day, I think, but the plagiarizing of sources happened mainly at night). For my math requirement, I took a course in Statistics, which essentially amounted to putting whatever the instructor said into a computer program and printing out the results. It was around this time that I encountered the following:

      The Engineering major says, “Will it work?”
      The Physics major says, “How will it work?”
      The History major says, “Would you like fries with that?”


      November 8, 2011 at 10:05 pm

  3. Every single thing you wrote down made me laugh in this post! If you’re a lousy blogger, you sure fooled me… 😉

    PCC Advantage

    November 9, 2011 at 12:08 am

  4. If I gave up Jersey Shore before ever even watching it, does that count? Because I really don’t want to take the laundry or real job options.


    November 9, 2011 at 3:22 am

    • Not by itself, but if you can say the same for American Idol and Jon & Kate Plus Eight, you’re well on your way.


      November 9, 2011 at 6:59 am

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