Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

OK, Now the REAL Real Reasons Your Blog Gets No Traffic

with 8 comments

You thought we’d covered this ground before. Just yesterday, in fact. Well, perhaps many of you do not take kindly to direct criticism. Just for you, I have developed an alternative set of reasons, one that takes the onus off you, the poor, beleaguered blogger, and places the blame, and therefore the responsibility for fixing things, squarely on the shoulders of others.

But of course, in this go-getter world, when every idiot, especially you, needs to put something “proactive” on a cv, we must also provide direction as to what YOU can do to remedy the situation. Fear not, for the directions provided herein will not, as you might otherwise think, require you to actually get off your duff and act, unless you’re the sort of person who enjoys criminal insanity. More on that as we progress.

1. A Sinister Cabal Has Conspired to Deprive You of Visitors by Attracting Them to More Compelling, Interesting and Useful Sites. This cabal is so sinister, in fact, that the vast majority of its members remain completely unaware of its existence. As far as they know, they are merely producing quality content without regard for the effect on your site’s traffic. The worst offenders are, perversely, some of the most respected names in the online world. But try alerting, say, The New York Times to its misdeeds, and they simply ignore you.
What You Can Do: Hunt down and kill all competing content providers, one by one.

2. Your Audience Prefers Content Other than what You Have to Offer. You know they’d find your content edifying, informative or otherwise useful, whereas they seem to think they’ll find what they seek basically anywhere else on the web. Whether through sheer bad luck or actual malice, these people, staying away from your site in droves, callously allow your content to languish, causing you no end of frustration and self-esteem-enhancement course enrollment.
What You Can Do: Hunt down and kill all the people not visiting your site, one by one.

3. Your Free Blogging Platform Has Inadequate Processes for Identifying and Prominently Displaying Top-Quality Content Such as Yours. WordPress, for example, might have its mysterious ways of finding and evaluating which new posts to place front and center, but clearly those methods remain woefully inadequate, because not once have the Powers that Read deigned to afford your manifestly worthy output the showcasing it deserves.
What You Can Do: Hunt down and kill the blogging platform content evaluation people one by one.

4. There Just Aren’t Enough Hours in the Day for You to Create High-Quality Content AND Engage in Other Essential Activities Such as Television. You have too many things to do that simply must get done: catching up on seasons six through twelve of The Simpsons; following celebrity gossip; gaming, whether online or otherwise; agonizing over the fortunes of your favorite/most despised sports franchise (in the case of the Boston Red Sox, one and the same); and complaining to family and remaining friends about the lack of appreciation/success in your content creation, among many other critical activities. You need more than 24 hours in a day if you’re also going to create good content and find ways of promoting it. How else will you gather material for your trenchant social commentary? The world surely awaits your pontifications concerning the superiority of Lindsay Lohan’s sartorial decisions over those of Beyoncé, or vice versa.
What You Can Do: Hunt down and kill those who continue to promote the 24-hour day.

5. Aliens Have Focused Inspiration-Sucking Beams on Your Head, Blocking Your Creative Faculties. These aliens are devious entities, often taking the form of snack cravings, excretory needs and environmental hazards just as creative thought is about to strike. They intend to divert you from your noble goal of enlightening the world, of course. Because of your skill and talent in producing reams of content without working very hard at it, you have never been required to cultivate the discipline and willpower necessary to overcome these obstacles.
What You Can Do: Destroy the planet so that the aliens stop bothering you.

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Written by Thag

November 7, 2011 at 3:47 pm

8 Responses

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  1. I knew it! I knew it!

    philosophermouseofthehedge

    November 7, 2011 at 4:01 pm

  2. Um, was this post sponsored by the “International Hunt Down and Kill ‘Em Association.” I hear their membership is fluctuating due to vigorous recruitment efforts and indiscriminate use of sanctioned tactics among the rank and file…

    Lorna's Voice

    November 7, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    • I hear the FBI tried infiltrating them with informants, but those kept disappearing.

      Thag

      November 7, 2011 at 10:17 pm

  3. Whew. Thanks for confirming all of my suspicions. I thought I just smelled bad.

    whatimeant2say

    November 8, 2011 at 4:57 am

    • Well, that might also be the case. You’d have hunt down and kill the BO-producing bacteria one by one.

      Thag

      November 8, 2011 at 6:01 am

  4. This reminds me of a song that was popular a few years ago. I think it was titled, “Phacts For The Phishermen.” Ooops, that’s not it.. Hummm….. What the heck was it? Ahhhh…now I remember. It was: “Tea For The Tillerman!” Yeah! That’s it. Thanks for reminding me!

    [Nothing generates traffic better than leaving behind a trail of totally irrelevant comments. Generating a “Who the f**k is this guy?” reaction…followed by a Click.] 😉

    William Lawson

    November 9, 2011 at 5:25 pm


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