Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The 5 REAL Reasons Your Site Gets Such Pathetic Visitor Traffic

with 4 comments

I just saw another of the endless, mindless posts supposedly detailing Why No One Visits Your Web Site. You know the kind I mean: an ostensibly exhaustive list of all the technical, professional and personal  factors that contribute to your continued failure to generate a real audience for your online content, a list that primarily showcases the manifest knowledge and expertise of the writer. Don’t you want to be like them, the post all but shouts?

These posts are perennial favorites on buttoned-collar sites such as LinkedIn, and to some degree on other social media. But of course these “experts” fail to account for the main factors, always missing the point. “Won’t someone set everyone straight already?!” you cry into the ether.

Cry no more, and wipe that ether off your bib. It’s very unbecoming. Thag is here to give you an uncomfortably intimate litany of factors in Why No One Visits Your Web Site. This kind of treatment you cannot get elsewhere on the web, outside forums dedicated to vicious political debate. Listen up:

1. You Can’t Write a Sentence Worth a Damn. Let’s not beat around the bush here. Your writing would make any civilized person cringe. Learn to separate your sentences with periods, not commas. Realize that apostrophes are unnecessary in creating plural forms. Appreciate the differences among “there,” their” and “they’re.” The moment I see such offenses I lose all respect for the content creator, and by extension, anything that writer has to say. I don’t care how much you know about the topic of your choice – if you use “it’s” as a possessive, as far as I’m concerned you know diddly-squat, and I’m going back to reading The Onion, at least until they ask me to pay for further access.

2. You Have Awful Taste in Music. Your video technology might be state-of-the-art. Your mad editing skillz might put most media professionals to shame. Your images and sound quality might evoke Academy Award-winning films. But if you assault my senses one more time with disco, for crying out loud, or some wannabe hip-hop act, buh-bye. Mozart. Brahms. Offenbach. Rossini. Those should be on your roster of go-to guys, not some hit-me-over-the-head-with-your-message idiot. And no, Chevrolet, the approved list does not include Pete Seeger.

3. You’re Boring. Why exactly, should I care what you have to say if you don’t seem to care about it very much? Use humor, or at least show how excited the subject gets you. I don’t want to read your attempt to continue reliving your high school History class, when you had to turn in essay after essay on such titillating topics as The Role of Sorghum Cultivation in American Westward Expansion, which of course you could have transformed into a stinging satire of your teacher’s technique, and had fun in the process, but no: you decided to produce yet another sober essay in an infinitely long line of sober essays presenting in a straightforward, sleep-inducing manner a sober analysis of a sober, ridiculously useless topic. No wonder your teacher hated you and kept assigning more drivel, week after week. Are you still listening? If so, it means I’m a better writer than you, since I’ve managed to keep your attention for this long. But that isn’t saying much, is it, you Hemingway, you?

4. You Betray Ignorance of Basic Elements of the Human Psyche. If you want to generate traffic, attention and engagement, provoke people. Don’t go for vanilla – you want wasabi, extra sharp. If you want people to come back, foment jealousy. Rage. Passion. Hate. Take a goddamn stand on an issue, and let the chips fall where they may. They may end up being cow chips, but they’ll be authentic expressions of your ability to pull in readers, even if you do think abortions should be mandatory for illegal immigrants.

5. You Have Not Subscribed to Mightier than the Pen, nor Have You Shared this Post. It’s quite simple: I’m exploiting the attention you’re giving me, and gambling that enough of you will fall for this cheap ploy to significantly boost my traffic. Since in general, persistent bloggers increase their audiences over time, I hereby take credit for that increase in your readership which follows your following me. You follow?

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Written by Thag

November 6, 2011 at 11:15 pm

4 Responses

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  1. Sounds like you have your pulse on the blog-o-sphere, Oh Mighty One. I subscribe to your blog and my visitor count is quite healthy, so you’re on to something real here! 😉

    Lorna's Voice

    November 6, 2011 at 11:54 pm

  2. Ironically, your 3rd reason (“You’re Boring”) was kind of boring (unless it was intentional, in which case it’s not ironic because I don’t think irony is supposed to be intentional, but I could be wrong and now I’m boring myself). The rest of your post was awesome. You’ve inspired me to go back to my blog and add some punctuation.

    dysfunctional literacy

    November 7, 2011 at 12:38 am

    • …so, yes, in conclusion, I suppose one can surmise that the third reason contains intentional employ of the very content so excoriated by the writer. Whether this constitutes grounds for…[drones on for eighteen more lines, saying essentially nothing]…

      Thag

      November 7, 2011 at 6:39 am

  3. I think I’m guilty of no. 4. I’m trying to drum up an audience for my YA novel, so I’ve been trying not to be controversial. Plus I don’t like to argue with people. I’ve come to the conclusion that my blog is boring and insincere. I know other people write about the thing that I do and have followers, but readers seem to sense that I’m not being authentic. This morning I thought “Screw it! No one is reading it anyway…so I’m going to say anything.” It’s funny that I found your post. It seems to fit in with the theme of my life today.

    Deb Hanrahan

    November 7, 2011 at 1:11 am


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