Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

How to Shower Like a Ten-Year-Old

with 5 comments

1. Do not respond to the first three parental admonitions to go shower.

2. Upon hearing the agitated, exasperated fourth admonition, react with indignation at the tone, as if the first three never occurred. Attempt to prolong discussion of the tone/listening issue as much as possible.

3. When issue is exhausted, or when parental threats indicate, sullenly acquiesce to following parental instructions, stomping in protest all the way toward bedroom.

4. Take least direct route toward ostensible destination, finding as many distractions along the way as possible. Ideally, this will involve provoking a younger sibling into a fight or extended play.

5. Following the fifth admonishment and rising parental anger, pretend to suddenly remember that you were on your way to shower, and proceed again toward bedroom.

6. Find book/toy/other diversion in bedroom.

7. At parental inquiries as to progress, ignore as long as possible until you have no choice but to nonchalantly respond, “Not yet.”

8. Do not permit parent to complete the consequent scolding before disappearing out of earshot behind closed bathroom door.

9. Find intra-bathroom activities to occupy the time, such as making faces in the mirror and stacking various toiletries.

10. In response to parental inquiry as to the lack of water running, feign deafness.

11. Streak back to bedroom to find post-shower clothing item that you “forgot”.

12. Return to bathroom and resume face-making operations.

13. Wait for parental frustration to plateau before actually getting into shower and turning on the water.

13a. If shower has removable spray nozzle, spend at least eight minutes admiring how the spray travels along or against various bathroom surfaces.

14. Perform perfunctory cleaning routine. Be sure to neglect obvious body parts such as ears and face.

15. Resume face-making activities.

16. Wait for third parental inquiry as to progress before opening bathroom door.

17. Innocently proceed to bedroom as if all along, parental instructions were followed assiduously.

18. Dump dirty clothes and wet towel on floor of bedroom; leave for three days or until parental reaction sets in, whichever is later.


Written by Thag

November 5, 2011 at 10:44 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Don’t forget “Stand under the spray so long that your toes wrinkle like a raisin and polar bears beg for mercy.”


    November 6, 2011 at 12:23 am

    • Yeah, but I still do that even though I’m not ten anymore.


      November 6, 2011 at 8:23 am

  2. You speak like an authority on the subject. Is this from memory or recent 10-year-old experience? 😉

    Lorna's Voice

    November 6, 2011 at 10:43 pm

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