Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Are You Crude Enough for the Rudeness Brigade? Take Our Test. Jerk.

with 2 comments

1. At the pizza joint, you attempt to dispose of some used napkins, but one or two of them fall on the floor instead of into the receptacle. You:
(a) Continue on your merry way as if nothing has happened.
(b) Pause for a moment, but rationalize leaving it there by noting that the place has a cleaning staff anyway.
(c) Pause for a moment, but rationalize leaving it there by congratulating yourself on removing the trash from your table in the first place, and hey, you can’t expect too much from a person. What do I look like, Mother Theresa?
(d) Fake a bad back so that anyone observing will conclude that you just can’t do anything about it.

2. Boogers go:
(a) On the undersides of tables, chairs and desks.
(b) On walls, but only if you’re below the age of twelve.
(c) Out the driver’s side window.
(d) On shirt sleeves and cuffs.

3. The proper reaction to a sneeze involves:
(a) A playful punch on the arm and the phrase, “Good one!”
(b) Faking that some of the spittle got in your eye.
(c) A look of withering disdain.
(d) “Say, you still gonna eat that?”

4. The napkin’s proper position:
(a) Is, uh, under the fork? No? The spoon?
(b) Well, doesn’t that depend on whether it’s a super-crappy cafeteria napkin that doesn’t absorb squat, or a top-quality napkin like the ones in the dispenser over the restroom sinks?
(c) Is in those spring-loaded dispensers on every table, with the Coca-Cola logo on them.
(d) Ya got me. Defensive end?

5.  Upon discovering that a female friend’s husband has died, you:
(a) Wonder aloud which of his bad habits did him in – was it the booze or something illegal?
(b) Crash the funeral, drunk, and loudly serenade the deceased with ribald lyrics.
(c) Wonder, not necessarily aloud, about how long she’ll wait to start dating again, and how you can put yourself in a good position when the time comes.
(d) Wonder, probably not aloud except perhaps to certain other males, as to the possibility of scoring some grief sex.

6. “I’m sorry” means:
(a) That I regret getting caught, and I’ll refrain from the offending behavior as long as the offended party is unaware of my actions.
(b) That I regret hurting the offended party, because it reduces my ability to exploit the relationship.
(c) I’m male.
(d) What’s that second word again? I don’t understand. Speak English, willya?

7.  The car horn should be used to convey the following message:
(a) “Yo! The light’s green already! It’s been green for like three quarters of a second! Who taught you to drive, Stevie Wonder?”
(b) “Hey! You! You’re preventing me from advancing another car length in this gridlock!”
(c) “Yo! Stella! I’m waiting downstairs! Quit fixing your makeup again and get down here!”
(d) “I have a horn.”

The "c" is silent, as in Peanut Butter.

8. Etiquette is:
(a) For losers with no appreciation for bleacher-creature sensibilities.
(b) Um…a fancy word for fish?
(c) Hell, it’s a French word. Probably something to do with surrendering, or women not shaving their armpits.
(d) Oh! I know this one! It’s a state in New England! Where the Hartford Whalers play!

9. I learn my manners from:
(a) Beavis nd Butthead.
(b) Jersey Shore.
(c) Al Bundy.
(d) Ted Bundy.

Not actual size.

10. My idea of a good time involves:
(a) Pizza.
(b) Beer.
(c) Pizza and Beer.
(d) Pizza, Beer and televised sporting events.

Written by Thag

November 3, 2011 at 11:06 pm

2 Responses

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  1. This is way too early in the day to read this. I am definitely not crude enough to take this test and would hope that the people who are that crude are hole up in some cave hibernating for the winter… 😉

    Lorna's Voice

    November 4, 2011 at 12:04 pm

    • Apparently not. This was all inspired by witnessing someone perform either (b) or (c) (or possibly both) in the situation of question 1 last night.


      November 4, 2011 at 12:11 pm

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