Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

“Get Off My Lawn!” and Other Signs of Impending Senility

with 2 comments

Age

Ambition

Investment Sensibilities

Taste in Food

Catch Phrase

0-1

A good bowel movement

Not much diversification, but the output doesn’t stink that much, either

Whatever fits in my mouth

N/A

1-6

Defy Mommy

“Mommy, is this a nickel or a dime?”

Whatever Mommy says I can’t have

“Mommy!”

6-12

Avoid homework

Spend most of allowance on junk food; save some for entertainment

Pizza

Whatever gets the biggest rise out of Mom and Dad

12-17

Get laid

Ringtones

“You never let me do anything!

17-23

Really primo weed

“What’s your major?”

23-30

Bullish

Whatever the rest of the unemployed hordes manage to get their hands on

“Would you like fries with that?”

30-35

Score the VP position

Bullsh*t

Sushi

“That’s what I thought, too, sir.”

35-40

Get out of this VP position

Thinking about getting a 401(k), whatever the hell that bullsh*t is

Caviar, or at least I’m going to drop hints that I eat it all the time

“I’ll settle down when the right person comes along, Mom.”

45-55

A good dental plan

A good dental plan

Whatever doesn’t interfere with a good dental plan

“Have they got a dental plan?”

55-65

Early retirement

Viagra

Maybe I’ll try that low-carb thing everyone seems to be hyping.

“What ever happened to good, old-fashioned manners?”

65-75

Keep the lawn looking just so

Weed killer

Let’s eat outside and look at the lawn

“You kids get off my lawn!”

75-85

Get the kids to visit more often

Bizarrely out-of-touch gifts for the grandchildren

More fiber

“You never call.”

85-whenever

A good bowel movement

Cat figurines

“Has anyone seen my teeth? They’re serving flapjacks today.”

“I’ll be going home from this senior residence any day now.”

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Written by Thag

November 2, 2011 at 3:56 pm

2 Responses

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  1. Very funny and, I imagine, quite right. Now how about one for women? 😉

    Lorna's Voice

    November 2, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    • I’d get myself into too much trouble. Commiserating with pregnant folk is one thing; trying to get into the head, heart and hormones of an alien half of the species is considerably more difficult.

      Thag

      November 3, 2011 at 6:39 am


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