Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

We’d WANT those Conspiracy Theories to Be True

with 5 comments

I, for one, wish many famous conspiracy theories were true, because if they were, the world is even riper for exploitation than you thought. Let’s examine a few.

The Moon Landings Were Faked

"Hello? Houston? I have to pee. Can I get backstage?"

The twenty billion or so dollars ostensibly spent in support of the first Apollo mission alone is a hefty chunk of change – and that was in 1960s dollars. Add to that the cost of each of the subsequent moon missions and that’s a lot of cash that must have gone somewhere. There’s a truckload or two of money to be had from getting in on conspiracies of this nature. Come up with a proposal or two to fill a niche – there are always some open when it comes to manipulating the public – and the government will make sure you’re amply compensated.

If you’re more into private enterprise, just take heart from the fact that nearly everyone but you and your fellow hoax-claimers had the wool pulled over their eyes – if the American people are so gullible, go all P.T. Barnum on them and fleece them for everything they’ve got. With your superior knowledge of how everyone was duped, you’re in the best position to repeat the feat to your own benefit.

Lee Harvey Oswald Did Not Act Alone – The Kennedy Assassination Was a Conspiracy

Jack be Ruby, Jack be quick...

This one has so many positive points I don’t know where to begin. The official explanation is seen as having so many holes that you can latch onto almost anything and find a way to press it to your advantage. If documents can be falsified or fabricated, you can do it, too – go ahead and make yourself the heir to vast fortunes, or perhaps the beneficiary of generous insurance payouts; if you lean toward emphasis on problems with the autopsy, you can impress attractive coroners – they’re invariably single and hot, because that’s the way it was depicted in Men In Black, which as we all know is about as close a depiction to reality as movies get in the conspiracy theory world.

The Jews Control the Banking Industry/the Media/the Government

"Heh heh heh - I'm gonna score me some gefilte fish."

About a hundred years ago, when the Russian government under the Czar discovered that Japan was issuing visas for Jews to emigrate there from Mother Russia, they quickly had all of their anti-Jewish propaganda translated into Japanese and sent it over: the Jews control this, the Jews control that, the Jews can manipulate markets, you name it (this was the same Russian ruling class, after all, that gave us the Protocols of the Elders of Zion).

Only it turns out the Japanese didn’t react as expected. They significantly increased the rate at which they issued visas. When you’re not predisposed to view the propaganda in a negative light, you begin to see supposed Jewish control as an opportunity, not a threat.

So it would be pretty awesome if the Jews really were in control: just get on their good side and you’re set for life. You might even pick up a few tips along the way (little circumcision humor there).

9/11 Was an Inside Job

This one’s a breeze: demonstrate to an audience of independent structural engineers that the Twin Towers’ collapse was impossible under the official explanation, and you’ll guarantee fame and fortune for life, not to mention hero status across most of the globe. Good luck.

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Written by Thag

November 1, 2011 at 1:08 am

5 Responses

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  1. *thumbs up*

    madstickynotes

    November 1, 2011 at 7:26 am

  2. What? Are you telling me these things aren’t true? I have to take two something-stronger-than aspirin and call someone-more-powerful-than-a-doctor in the morning… 😉

    Lorna's Voice

    November 1, 2011 at 4:00 pm

    • Oh, you trust the pharmaceutical industry to treat your condition? Well, have I got news for you…

      Thag

      November 1, 2011 at 4:37 pm


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