Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

I’ll Have the Soup. Hold the Bowl.

with 5 comments

Food Item

How Item Must Be Prepared According To:






Peanut butter sandwich

Without considering cleaning up afterwards

Without asking

Without crust

Without bread


Wings, or else

With potatoes, or else

Skin, and nothing else

Whatever’s on Dad’s plate, or else


“No mushrooms? Why NOT?!”

“Eww! A mushroom touched my pizza!”

Only if it’s not what’s for dinner

Whatever; I’m just going to eat the cheese directly off the slice with my face

Corn flakes

If I don’t get a china bowl, it means I’m not actually ten years old

Corn flakes and milk must reach the top of the bowl, regardless of its – or my – capacity

Before the seven-year-old gets any

You might as well just pour the milk directly on the table, since that’s where most of it will end up


With too much maple syrup

With too much maple syrup

With too much maple syrup

With whatever stuff you bigger people are all clamoring for

Hot dogs

Barbecued, or you don’t love me

No bun, please – it just slows me down; may I have a seventh frank now?

On a wooden skewer, so I can stab myself repeatedly in the gums and not desist

In a bun, please, so I have something additional to rip up and throw


With as much bread as possible. No, I won’t need my spoon, and no, I won’t have room for the main course

Just let it sit around and get cold – I’m too busy playing and bothering the dinner guests

Just soup. No vegetables. No bits of anything other than liquid. Hey! That’s a piece of onion! Take it back! Take it back!

It splashes farther if I hit the bowl with my spoon and the one I just took from Mom’s place setting

Chocolate chip cookies

Such that it can be eaten one tiny bite at a time, for finishing first is a sin

Crumbled; eat only the chips

Crumbled; eat only the cookie

Crumbled; don’t eat


With cheese sauce – no, wait, with grated cheddar – no, uh, I meant with melted mozzarella

With tomato sauce and cheese.

Hey! What’s this?! I didn’t want sauce!

Whatever. I’m not gonna eat it anyway.

Will only eat it if it’s spaghetti, but you can call anything you want spaghetti, because I haven’t a clue


Omelet, but only made by tiny spoonfuls fried one by one

Sunny side up, but only if the ten-year-old prepares it

Omelet, but only if it’s cut into slices like a pizza

Omelet, but only if I don’t have to eat it


Only if it’s salmon

Only if it’s not fish

Only if there’s something else to eat

Only if I can eat it with my hands


Use Dad’s peeler-slicer-corer gadget

Red. Sliced thin. By me. Using the sharpest knife. Yeah, that BIG one!

Red. Sliced. Or cut into chunks, whichever is more inconvenient

The exact one the seven-year-old is having


Only the fancy cocktail kind that are a pain to make

Don’t like meatballs.

Hmm. Wait. I think I do.

See above, re: pasta; might as well serve them together

Just make hash, because that’s how the meatballs will end up anyway, and won’t get eaten


Written by Thag

October 26, 2011 at 8:59 am

5 Responses

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  1. Pretty funny, I laughed out loud for many of them (as a Mom of a 2 year old, 5 year old and 7 year old, I can relate!!) but some 2 year olds do eat!


    October 26, 2011 at 9:20 am

    • He MUST be eating at some point, because he’s growing, to the point that we can’t find the hand-me-downs that fit. We suspect the four-year-old is still wearing them.


      October 26, 2011 at 9:21 am

  2. Funny. A roommate of mine eats like a two-year old apparently. Knew he wasn’t just a midget. http://rawfulnews.com/


    October 26, 2011 at 10:04 am

  3. That is jolly good and I promise not to steal the idea myself. Ever.

    Michael Cargill

    October 26, 2011 at 11:03 am

    • Idea? You mean to have children? A wise move on your part. The three words underlining the foresight you exhibit are “Dry Clean Only.”


      October 26, 2011 at 11:14 am

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