Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

How Well Do You Know Your Guy? Do You Really *Want* to Know?

with 2 comments

  1. Which of the following constitutes grounds for breakup or divorce?

(a) Scheduling a date or event to take place at the same time as a playoff game.
(b) Scheduling a date or event to take place any time between the beginning of the pregame show and the end of the postgame show for a playoff game.
(c) Scheduling a date or event to take place any time between the beginning of the football preseason and the end of the weeklong post-Super-Bowl analysis.
(d) Attempting to conduct a conversation about subjects other than football.

2. Which of the following phrases must never, ever be uttered to a guy?

(a)    I think of you as a friend.
(b)   Don’t you just hate thin women?
(c)    I didn’t get any beer; I didn’t think it was important.
(d)   Oh, please – you know all those teams are basically the same.

3. Tears are justified:

(a)    In reaction to the death of a dear relative or friend.
(b)   When you laugh so hard you cry.
(c)    On stage.
(d)   When the Chicago Cubs finally win another World Series.

4. Catcalls and explicit comments directed at passing women:

(a)    Are just features of a guy’s natural exuberance around attractive members of the fairer sex.
(b)   Can only be understood by any reasonable person as healthy flattery.
(c)    Bespeak unbridled, irresistible manliness.
(d)   Should really meet with better results than experience bears out; clearly, there’s something wrong with the women involved.

5. Pornography:

(a)    Gives women a good idea what to strive for in a relationship.
(b)   Serves as a perfectly reasonable substitute for the presence of one’s significant other.
(c)    Serves as a perfectly reasonable substitute for the existence of one’s significant other.
(d)   Oh, come on, that‘s not pornography – it’s art. And besides, I get that for the articles.

6. Medical treatment is required:

(a)    For injuries obviously requiring stitches.
(b)   For conditions involving the vomiting of actual internal organs.
(c)    In cases of multiple severed limbs or bones protruding from the skin.
(d)   Oh, please – it’s just a flesh wound.

7. Who has the right of way?

(a)    The biggest, baddest vehicle.
(b)   The driver with the best rack.
(c)    I meant gun rack on top of the pickup truck.
(d)   Really, I did! Ask Joe! Isn’t that what I clearly meant, Joe? See? Even Joe understood that!

8. Which of the following chores is properly assigned to a guy?

(a)    Shoveling snow from the front walk, followed by four days’ worth of making excuses for doing nothing else around the house, because, man, that shoveling really wasn’t so good for his back, you know?
(b)   Taking pride in extracting the most repulsive, slimy hairball from the drain and insisting on giving everyone a close-up view of the, uh, trophy.
(c)    Taking out the trash with great fanfare every three or four weeks.
(d)   Disciplining recalcitrant appliances into proper working order with well-placed kicks.

9. Clean laundry:

(a)    Magically appears in the dresser and closet.
(b)   Is far too complicated – why can’t we just toss those pantyhose in the washer and dryer?
(c)    Doesn’t get done fast enough around here. Just sayin’.
(d)   Cannot possibly involve an honest expectation of a guy’s participation, considering the need to actually consult the care instructions on the garment label.

10. What is the proper way to give driving directions to a guy who pulls over to request them?

(a)    Calmly and politely, without betraying a sense of the impending apocalypse that this has actually happened.
(b)   To the woman in the passenger seat, because, really, she’s the one who demanded they stop and ask; he knows exactly how to get there.
(c)    Slowly and carefully, trying not to be too obvious about looking for the hidden video camera that must be documenting this flagrant practical joke setup.
(d)   In whatever language they speak on the alien world you inhabit.


Written by Thag

October 20, 2011 at 10:29 pm

2 Responses

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  1. I just know I failed that test. But I laughed all the way to my failing grade! 😉

    Lorna's Voice

    October 22, 2011 at 4:43 pm

    • True story:

      Several months before my wife and I started dating, we were hanging out among friends, and I was reading aloud from Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys (A Fairly Short Book). The introductory chapter is a multiple-choice quiz to test the reader’s “guyness quotient,” with the last answer always the “guy” answer, e.g.:
      Aliens land on Earth and encounter you. They present you with a device that can cure all disease, eliminate poverty and usher in world peace. You:
      a) Give it to the President of the United States
      b) Give it to the Secretary General of the United Nations
      c) Take it apart

      So, we’re all sitting around, a mixed crowd, and the following question is read:
      A funeral is a good place to:
      a) Remember the deceased and what he meant to you
      b) Reflect on the transience of life and the importance of cherishing it
      c) Tell the joke about the guy who as Alzheimer’s Disease and cancer.

      Only my wife-to-be knew that joke, and told it to us (if you don’t know it I’ll be happy to comment further). We chuckled and moved on. Then, at the end of the quiz, Mr. Barry gave the scoring, which of course meant the most points for each “c” answer – plus an extra fifty points for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s Disease and cancer…


      October 22, 2011 at 7:19 pm

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