Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

Helpful Advice to Aspiring Pedophiles

with 4 comments

You’ll have to forgive the somewhat violent, inappropriate, rude, over-the-top, extreme, raging, angry, out-of-control fury that you might detect in this post, if you’re attuned to that sort of thing. It’s subtle, but I feel moved to warn you, because, hey, I’m a sensitive guy.

I just returned from an informational meeting about a ring of pedophiles operating in our neighborhood (I’ve written about this once before). It was surprisingly calm, but then few, if any, of the parents present have children who were victimized directly. Plenty of useful, important points came to light, but that’s not what I’m here to recap. I’m here to offer advice of a different sort: advice to pedophiles themselves. If you happen to be one, I hereby offer you a number of concrete, useful activities, with step-by-step instructions, to help you achieve the best results.

I. Careful Use of Writing Implements
Necessary equipment: 1 number 2 pencil, sharpened (a wood pencil, not a mechanical one);  1 hammer

1. Place point of pencil in your navel. Maintain its position with your weaker hand.
2. With your stronger hand, grasp the hammer and bang the back end of the pencil repeatedly until the back end disappears into your abdomen.
*Tip: For even better results, soak the pencil in drain cleaner before use.

II. Being Constructive
Necessary equipment: 1 electric drill

1. Select the drill bit of choice and secure in the drill head; plug in drill.
2. Place drill bit point on kneecap and drill until bit emerges from back of leg.
3. Repeat with other kneecap.

III. Bungee Jump
Necessary equipment: 1 bungee cord, medium length

1. Find a highway overpass under which large trucks regularly pass.
2. Select a spot directly over the lane featuring the highest number of trucks.
3. Secure one end of the cord to a strong anchor atop the overpass, such as a lamp post.
4. Secure the other end to your feet.
5. Carefully time your leap so that you swing directly into the front radiator of a truck traveling at least fifty (50) miles per hour. If performed correctly, this maneuver should result in your being thrown back over the top of the overpass.

IV.  Flat-Out
Necessary equipment:  1 steam roller

1. Activate roller.
2. Lie down directly in roller’s path.

V. Swirly
Necessary equipment: 1 toilet bowl with seat

1. Place seat in upright, open position.
2. Place neck on rim of bowl.
3. Grasp seat securely with stronger hand.
4. Slam seat down repeatedly until consciousness is lost.

VI. Warrior Stripes
Necessary equipment: 1 bathtub; 60 gallons lemon juice; 1 thornbush

1. Fill bathtub with lemon juice.
2. Remove clothing.
3. Run through thorn bush and back at least six times.
4. Dive into full tub; roll around

There; don’t you feel better? I certainly do.


Written by Thag

October 6, 2011 at 10:47 pm

4 Responses

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  1. Oh my. What a post. Very… descriptive?


    October 6, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    • Of my feelings at the moment, yes. Once I calm down I might recommend less in the way of physical mutilation and more in the way of Chinese Water Torture.


      October 6, 2011 at 11:02 pm

  2. Classic title. Like it, like you (but not like that).


    October 7, 2011 at 1:51 am

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