Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The Grueling Schedule of the Tobacco Executive

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7:00 AM

Wake to the sound of a live string quartet serenading me with Mozart; find breakfast tray and newspaper waiting at bedside; note, with satisfaction, steady rise in company’s stock price; summon team to shave and otherwise administer morning hygiene.

7:45 AM

Send away member of harem after receiving daily “greeting”; select from vast wardrobe of dark blue double-breasted suits.

7:52 AM

Consult with fashion consultant on positioning of tie; reprimand valet for neglecting to keep every pair of shoes properly aligned.

7: 53 AM


8:00 AM

Begin limousine ride to corporate offices; conduct stiffly polite phone conversation with wife and daughter on Paris shopping trip, or perhaps yachting trip along the Riviera – I forget which.

8:32 AM

Wonder aloud to chauffeur what can be done about all those other people on the road, whose cars spew such awful smoke.

8:35 AM

Take elevator directly to top-floor office.

8:36 AM


8:45 AM

Greeting ritual from harem member.

8:46 AM

Practice with putter on custom indoor green.

9:30 AM


9:35 AM

Shareholder meeting. Agenda: vote on proposed sale of US Senator (R-NC) to auto industry lobby; presentation of new line of slim cigarettes for anorexics; results of focus group research on ad campaign to portray governmental regulation of free enterprise as slightly to the right of Hitler and slightly to the left of Stalin.

11:00 AM


11:07 AM

Observe focus group session – Can Dora the Explorer be made to seem even more appealing by having a cigarette in her mouth all the time?

11:40 AM


11:50 AM

Trip down the rabbit hole to meet Tobacco Institute scientists.

12:45 PM

Three-martini lunch with members of harem, assorted sycophants, lobster.

2:00 PM

Stock price update.

2:04 PM

Call to broker; accept lavishing of gratitude upon my being.

2:15 PM

Receive word from secretary that US Senator (R-VA) has arrived as scheduled; resume putter practice.

3:00 PM

Deign to see Senator; issue instructions.

3:06 PM


3:15 PM

Phone negotiations over impending purchase of major sports franchise; demur at rejection of stipulated name change to match that of my company.

3:40 PM

Martini; further harem greeting rituals.

4:00 PM

Dash off memo detailing tasks for underlings to achieve by the end of the work day or 10:00 PM, whichever is later, with emphasis on putting green maintenance.

4:03 PM

Private concert with promising young cellist/harem candidate

5:00 PM

Review sales figures; conclude that China is the best emerging market for products that cause cancer, emphysema, heart disease and birth defects.

5:35 PM

Board helicopter for brief visit to cultural institution to preside over some stupid cookie-cutter ceremony benefitting from my company’s largesse, yadda yadda yadda.

6:30 PM

Accompany select harem members to private suite at sporting event; remain long enough to be seen on national TV

7:15 PM

Restaurant dinner with broker, interior designer of home’s new South Asia wing, harem members on loan from other executives.

9:30 PM


9:38 PM

Stock price update.

9:40 PM


10:00 PM

Bedtime harem ritual.

10:06 PM

Blissful, morally pure slumber.

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