Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

How Did You Get that Finger So Far Up Your Nose?

with 3 comments

To the fellow picking his nose at his desk across the street:

Please, sir; I’m trying to work here. But every time I look up to check the clock over the window my eye is drawn toward the movement it spots through that window, specifically the movement of your finger as it twists and turns inside your left nostril.

I, too, enjoy a good nasal rooting on occasion, as it can clear the passages more effectively than plain old nose-blowing when the mucus is dry and crusty. But unlike you, sir, I engage in this maintenance work out of sight, in a place such as the office restroom, or perhaps behind a tissue. You, however, must place such value on your time that you cannot spare the extra few seconds it might take to perform this hygienic task anywhere other than in plain sight.

Or maybe you lost something priceless and delicate in your nose, and the unpredictable nature of forced expulsion into a tissue might damage whatever jewel you’ve got jammed up there. But don’t you think the pressure of your drilling index finger will similarly mangle the prize? What of the scratches your fingernail will impart to the valuable material? If it’s so important for you to extract that object digitally, I suggest a pair of tweezers, a mirror and a location that does not involve an audience.

From what I gather, this object you’ve been trying to extract since at least returning from lunch gives you trouble regularly. You embarked on a similar quest yesterday, though unfortunately I had to leave at 5:30 and remain ignorant of the outcome. Is today’s effort merely picking up where you left off, or are these discrete events (as opposed to discreet, which they certainly are not)? Do you have a particularly prolific proboscis, or perhaps a structural quirk that makes everyday production such a production? You might see a doctor about that.

I’m not a doctor, but I can suggest a couple of treatment courses. One involves saline drops in your nose; it works wonders for my kids when the weather’s dry. The other, though admittedly more drastic, provides a permanent solution: amputate your picking finger. That way, you won’t have to go looking for the saline every time a dry booger shows up; your solution will already be on hand, so to speak. And you could still use the saline, if with a bit less dexterity.

I, for one, wish to offer you only encouragement in your efforts to pick kick the habit. When you finally do so, please forgive me for not shaking your hand.


Written by Thag

October 1, 2011 at 11:34 pm

3 Responses

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  1. That’s great! I love “prolific proboscis”!


    October 1, 2011 at 11:58 pm

    • It was a choice between that and “overproductive olfactory organ.” I could only pick one. So to speak.


      October 2, 2011 at 12:01 am

  2. This is brilliant!


    October 3, 2011 at 11:03 am

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