Mightier Than The Pen

Making The World A Bitter Place

The Assumptions Your Preschooler Makes

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Trips to the bathroom require an announcement.

Different foodstuffs on the same plate must be eaten in a particular order, and one must finish all of one food before starting another.

Different foodstuffs on the same plate must not touch one another.

Yelling “No!” is enough to undo objectionable circumstances beyond anyone’s control, such as the unavailability of a given friend for a play date.

Napkins are for decoration; shirts, for digital hygiene.

Food tastes better from the right color plate.

A parent placing an object out of a child’s reach merely indicates that the child must try harder to reach it, not that there might be some constructive purpose in the child now being unable to reach it.

The best way to show one’s objection to a lack of parental attention is to destroy property or bother siblings.

A sibling leaving the dinner table upon finishing his food means dinner has finished, and everyone else may leave the table, too.

Cups are filled completely regardless of the size of the cup, the amount the drinker can drink, and the mess that will inevitably result from handling the full cup. Corollary: cereal bowls are filled to the brim with corn flakes and milk, irrespective of the quantities involved.

Once a dish of food has been placed in front of another person, it becomes contaminated.

Walls and floors make ideal surfaces upon which to test the usability of markers, crayons and pencils.

The consequences of mistreating a younger sibling can be avoided by running into the next room and hiding one’s face.

Requesting permission is merely a ritual; in essence, I have the right to partake of everything anyone else has.

The answers to questions last at most a few hours; questions must be posed again after that time.

The claim of tiredness is sufficient grounds to be released from any unwanted duties.

The best place to look for something is nowhere near where it was last seen.

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Written by Thag

September 22, 2011 at 3:26 pm

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